Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in a really, long time. I went to the fertility clinic for my routine day 17 follicular ultrasound only to find many, small, defunct eggs in my ovaries. This has never happened to me which means the fertility drugs aren’t working anymore. I held back tears as I met with the doctor who told me they would try additional meds to see if they could get these eggs going. If not, we’d need to move to more “aggressive measures.” He might as well have said, “If not, we’ll need to look at mortgaging your house if you want to have another child.”
I fought the tears that wanted so badly to cover my face and sat down to check out only to discover that the provision of God that I had proclaimed as a result of my insurance company oddly covering the cost of my ultrasounds, was not in fact provision but a mistake. And I was handed a bill for $600. Do you know what it feels like to pay for fertility treatments AFTER you already know they didn’t work? I wanted to throw up.
I ran to my car so that no one would see me when I lost it. I closed the door and did just that. I thought I was going to hyperventilate.
Why does it have to be so hard Lord? Isn’t the desire to have and raise children a Godly one? Why have you chosen not to intervene? Why won’t you have mercy on us?
When I pulled it together I found the strength to read the materials the doctor had given me about these “more aggressive” measures. Injectable fertility drugs and close monitoring for about $3000-$5000 a month (and they say it takes an average of 3-6 months for it to work). OR we go straight to IVF for $12,000-$15,000.
And then I cried some more.
Seriously, Lord?! Do you really want us to spend this kind of money for a life that we know comes from you anyway? WHY OH WHY Lord have you not intervened? Have we heard you wrong? Are we not supposed to have another biological child?
I spent the better part of the day and night angry and bitter. I’m not ashamed to admit that I had these responses. The burdens on my heart are many (there are several others I have yet to share) so yes, I am at the end of my rope and it makes me angry from time to time.
My husband prayed over us before we went to bed and although I still felt like I wanted to scream, it allowed my heart and mind to rest a bit.
This morning I awoke with fresh peace and perspective. Thank the Lord that his mercies are new every morning. I’m still disappointed and confused and overwhelmed by the decisions we have to make, but as I read Jesus Calling over breakfast I was reminded that I cannot face the circumstances that come to me unless I remain in his presence. As mother’s and women in general, no matter what we are facing we won’t make it unless we invite him in and hold him close. I can yell and scream and shake my fist at God but the moment I picture his precious and sacrificial son sitting next to me or wiping away my tears, my anger turns into raw and honest love.
I am asking him for new mercies. I think one of the things I wrote in the book in the chapter on miscarriage and loss is “Ask the Lord for strength to get through the day and then ask again tomorrow.” I guess I should take my own advice. I have no idea what his will is regarding our family. I am trying my best to take it one step at a time. I know he’s already intimately familiar with the story that is unfolding before us. I just have to trust he’ll lead us through this crossroads. I appreciate your prayers as we seek him.