It’s amazing how we can respond so differently to the same circumstances at different junctures. I’ve told several people this week – I’m not sure if I’m growing up or growing cold but I feel very indifferent about the fact that God said no yet again this month. My feeble, little mind keeps trying to understand why, if all of the parts needed to conceive are there each month, is it not happening. I’ve conceived four times before. Four times in four years, which is pretty remarkable for someone deemed “infertile.” And yet after repeated attempts with measures beyond any needed in the past, my womb is empty.
After learning that I was not pregnant again, I sat with my Bible and told God that I needed him to speak to me. I needed to know that he saw my disappointment and my pain. I opened right up to Psalm 119:49 and this is what I read:
Remember your word to your servant, you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.
Our daughter, whose life we also fought for, is named Hope. He has literally given us hope. For that I am so thankful. I asked God last month if we were supposed to be believing for another biological child and I believe he said yes. I believe it was a promise. His promise preserves my life.
I read through Psalm 119:58 and then I read it in The Message where it says:
I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile, be gracious to me just as you promised.
What an honest cry this is. I’m learning to be more honest with the Lord. He is not afraid of my pain. He is not afraid of my questions. He is full of grace and love for me. . .and for you.
As I’m sure many of us can say about some part of our life: I wish this were not my story. I would prefer to walk an easy road in establishing my family. But for whatever reason, God sees fit to lead us on this journey. The tension of walking and waiting is a hard one. I do not know what the next chapter holds, I just know I must put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trusting him to lead us.
Whatever journey you are on right now, will you trust him to show you the way?