I don’t even know how to write this post, nor do I really want to. But I’ve committed to sharing my journey with you here and so I must.
My mom left a note for my dad before we left her house yesterday morning. It said,
God said no again. We went shopping.
I wish it were that simple. I wish that the cute, new pair of shoes I bought after finding out our latest cycle (which included IUI) didn’t work really did make me feel better. But they don’t.
I’ve been through this roller coaster SO MANY TIMES. I’m not sure why it’s hitting me hardest this month. Perhaps it’s because I’m weary. Perhaps it’s because I’m on a very different personal journey of faith this year where I am purposing to really understand what I feel and what I believe rather than letting someone tell me how to feel or believe. And with that honesty comes raw emotion and lots of questions.
We’ve had some very, very hard trials in our family this summer and I’ve felt that I cannot handle several battles at once. So I begged God, I pleaded with Him to have mercy on us and allow us to conceive this month so I could overcome one battle and move on to the next. But His mercy didn’t come. Not in the form of a baby anyway. Not this time.
I want so badly to tell you that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him and that we should all believe because He is good and will hear our cry for whatever it is we are longing for. Although I know that is true in my heart of hearts, I don’t really feel like it at the moment so I’m not going to pretend. He knows my heart is broken and He’s not afraid of my responses. He understands my disappointment and I believe that His great mercy will allow me time to wrestle with the questions I hold in my heart. At the end of the day I will say that He is good because He is. . . even if I never receive the ‘yes’ I am contending for.
Thank you for your prayers. Know that I lift all of you up regularly as well.