An Open Door and a Breeze of Truth

She stood there with fear in her eyes. I had done it again. My strong words and harsh tone had crushed her spirit.

It had been three weeks since I stopped the medication, cold turkey. I knew that wasn’t the right way to go about it but I had to know if the war of emotion and anxiety that raged inside me could eventually cease without it. As we approached the anniversary of my mother’s death – 12 months to the day without a tear shed over the void she left – I had to know if the grief was dammed up in my soul, just waiting to be set free.

But I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotion that would come. I wasn’t prepared to deal with my anxiety and anger, awakened by the lack of this serotonin inhibitor. The dam broke and the flood came. I had imagined it would come in the form of beautiful tears, a grief finally felt. Instead, it came like a monster trying to set itself free from the cage of my heart.

And I spent weeks trying to control what was uncontrollable in my own strength. I lashed out at my husband and children as I navigated this scary journey in the midst of the busiest season of my year. Not my smartest move but thank God he never leaves us to deal with our mistakes.

It all seemed to come to a head just days before I would leave for the Allume conference. My children could feel the battle raging and at times they entered the war. Finally, as I listened to her weep I realized the damage I was doing to my six year old, who now may tuck away memories of these moments. I could not leave her feeling as though I was displeased or angry with her. I sat on her bed and held her close, her tears soaking my shirt. I cradled her head in my arms and I simply said, “I’m sorry” as we rocked back and forth. Then I held her face in my hands and I whispered, “Mommy is having a really hard time right now. I’m so sorry that I have taken it out on you. I love you so much and this is not because of you. Please forgive me for yelling and being impatient. You know how I keep telling you to learn self control? Mommy just realized I haven’t learned it myself. I need to learn to control these emotions. Maybe we can help each other learn.” She nodded and the tears stopped. The next morning we all felt better and I prepared to leave town. Though I left my family in peace and reconciliation, I carried some of the guilt with me to Greenville, SC.

When I arrived it felt like I was walking into the home of a trusted friend. Familiar faces, beautiful surroundings and a spirit of hospitality. It was just what I needed. I took in a deep breath and felt the Lord saying, “Come, sit down. Be refreshed with your sisters.”

Just a few hours in and I’d almost forgotten the battle I’d been fighting. So many life-giving words spoken. So much grace. So much welcome to come as we are. Story after story of love and redemption and a call to live our lives with an open invitation to share that story with others. It was just what I needed.

Then on the last day I began to think about my re-entry into real life. Fear began to rise that I would return to war, maybe a little refreshed and ready for battle, but how long could it last? I felt a rush of fear. Fear of going back to real life and forgetting these life-giving words. Then I felt God speaking so I began to write:

Keep the door of your heart open, so the breeze of my Holy Spirit can come and bring with him reminders of these words, quickening your mind to their truth. You are a host of this message, invite it back and use it to refresh your soul and tend to others.

That first night, Logan encouraged us to be a people of doors, not a people of windows. It’s so easy to allow others a glimpse of what’s going on inside our lives. But what if we swing wide our doors? What if we welcomed family, friends, strangers and with them, the Holy Spirit {to ready our spaces – every nook and cranny of our hearts and homes} for refreshment and healing? What if we lay down our pride and the notion that we’ve got it all together {because, we don’t} and tend to each others’ souls?

I’m opening my door to you friends. I’m sharing my struggle because I know it’s yours too. Maybe it looks differently but it’s really all the same. It’s our crazy, beautiful, messy life as moms and wives and friends and sisters and daughters and. . . It’s hard and ugly at times but when we invite each other in, we can fight these battles together.

That is our heart for this space. This is our home, and the doors are open for you, our friends. We want you to come and we want you to stay a while. We hope you’ll be fed and refreshed and leave here feeling better than when you arrived. We promise to leave this door open for you at all times. We promise to welcome with you, the Holy Spirit to bring with him a breeze of life and healing for you and for us so that our time together would be fruitful.

. . .the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28

Thank you for coming to visit with us. We invite you to open the door of your hearts and homes as well. You are always invited and welcome to share about yourselves so we can connect with you here.

By grace alone,

I’m linking up with the Allume Conference recap today. Head on over to the blog for more stories of hospitality and to read why you may need to join us next year!

Photo: Flickr | William Murphy