A River Runs Through It: #Allume Conference Recap

I said goodbye to her 18 days ago. 18 days ago and thousands of days too soon. My mother was only 64 when she lost her battle with cancer this month. Full of life one day {although suffering} and gone the next. My grief has surprised me, not being as emotional as I had thought but more angry, confused and honestly – just sick to my stomach at the thought of doing life without my mother. She lived across the street. We talked three times a day. She was my mother, my mothering mentor and my best friend.

We gathered together that weekend – family, friends and loved ones – to honor her life. We told stories of her love, her nurturing spirit, her selflessness. We cried together, encouraged one another and then we all went back to life as we knew it – without one precious part.

Two days after the family departed and life was supposed to go back to “normal” I was scheduled to leave town to attend the Allume Conference. I had thought briefly that I should stay home and tend to my family but my husband encouraged me to go. On second thought, it might be a nice transition weekend. . .a little “me time” before I returned to my new “normal”. So I got in the car with my best friend {another great reason to go} and we headed to Greenville, South Carolina.

I have to admit, I have always been reluctant to attend Allume. Despite the rave reviews I’ve seen on blogs and in Twitter feeds, I imagined I would have a hard time fitting in or would feel like an outsider. But heading there last Thursday I didn’t have space in my head or heart to worry about all that. I just knew I needed to go – expectations aside – and I simply hoped I would be encouraged or at least, distracted.

Although I knew the speakers and conference team were amazing, God-loving women I had no idea how closely I would encounter the Lord this past weekend. I never imagined my time would be so full of divine words, divine connections and divine healing.

You see, I may have down played the part about my anger since my mom passed away. Having spent the better part of her last month begging God for a miracle, I found myself so disappointed that he didn’t show up. Not only did he not show up, he took her so much sooner than we ever imagined. This was not what we had asked for and it felt like a door slammed shut in my face. I told family members that I was mad that we spent our time believing for a miracle when we should have been saying goodbye. When reading a Facebook prayer request last week for a young mother battling cancer my first response was “why bother?” In its rawest state, my heart was broken, spilling out disappointment in the God I thought was capable. In my grief I tried to reconcile the fact that he chose not to heal my mother and the process made me mad.

So I arrived in Greenville a bit raw and a lot numb. But he met me there. He met me in the words spoken from the stage as women of influence poured out truth. He met me in the words spoken at our breakfast table as I connected with women, divinely appointed to minister life to me. He met me in the car and in our hotel room as my sweet friend loved and served me. Even in the midst of my anger and doubt, he met me there and spoke life to these dry bones.

The idea of summarizing the impact of my weekend is overwhelming. I suppose my experience can be summed up with these amazing words of truth as well as a few moments I spent in town before we headed back to Nashville.

“You are where you are for such a time as this. Not to make an impression but to make an impact.” Ann Voskamp

“God often teaches us the most important lessons in obscurity.” Melanie Shankle

“Suffering tells us the truth about ourselves. Suffering shakes you awake.” Edie Wadsworth

“Honesty makes other people feel brave.” Lisa Whittle

“We know the true narrative in this broken amusement park of life. We need to come to the rescue instead of asking why.” Phil Vischer

“Let your pain have a purpose.” Bianca Olthoff

“God’s will is not a train track. It’s a beautiful, living, growing thing.” Oh Amanda

“Could it be that he wants to express himself through your unique personality in a way he could not do with anyone else?” Emily Freeman

I left the hotel full. Full of revelation and healing brought on through the truth that was thread through these words as well as the sweet connections he brought me. Women who reached out, not even knowing my story, became such a deep blessing to me I could no longer deny his goodness. Because I’ll admit, he didn’t seem all that good to me two weeks ago.

We were told about the Falls Creek waterfall at the end of Main St in Greenville. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!” someone said. We grabbed some coffee and headed out on the suspended bridge. We snapped pictures and watched the water rush over the rocks. A few minutes after admiring the sight and sound of this beautiful place, I turned to the other side of the bridge to notice its peace.

Stillness.

On one side, complete chaos of water finding it’s way through rocky terrain as it rushes through. On the other, complete and utter peace. No wave to be made except that of a duck’s bill pecking at the water to find food.

And here I was suspended in between this dichotomy of nature. I couldn’t see the point right below me where chaos ends and stillness begins. I couldn’t see the transition point but I knew it was there because the evidence of peace flowed out from under me.

My faith has flowed on rocky terrain this year. Rushing through life with all it’s disappointment and suffering, my heart has been broken. But just as sure as a river flows, I know there is peace on the other side.

This weekend was a beautiful transition for me. Although I will ache daily at the absence of my mom, I know I will be able to say that he is faithful and good, despite what suffering life may bring. And I know he will use my suffering for his great purpose as my heart remains open and a river runs through it.