It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
Dickens penned those lines in A Tale of Two Cities but I could write them at the end of almost every day.
I’m the mom of a nearly-fifteen-year-old daughter.
It’s a beautiful, hard thing. Beautiful because I have this incredible privilege to watch God bring to life a vibrant young person who is witty and compassionate and loyal. But beauty also has a bit of a beast buried inside and there are days when I am exhausted by the time I drop her off at her high school at 7:35 a.m.
Much has been written about the struggles that seem inherent to the mother-daughter relationship. In fact, I’d imagine most women could share an example to reveal the universal nature of this experience. Conflict and disagreement are a very real aspect of the adolescent-parent relationship. And when the adolescent in question is a girl with hormones {and her mom has hormones too!}, well let’s just say, it isn’t always fun.
I’m telling you — the struggle is real. And it is hard. As much as I enjoy the person she is becoming, the process of getting there can {and does!} wear me out and wear me down.
I have this countdown in my head and my heart that reminds me in just 3-1/2 years she will be graduating from high school and beginning her journey at college. The reality of this brings me to my knees and leads me some hard questions like “How do I want to spen this years?” and “What do I want her to know when she leaves home?”
Last year I wrote on my blog about 14 things I wanted my 14-year-old daughter to know. I find myself going back to that list time and again to refocus me what matters and what will last. Simple reminders like
- Pretty is as pretty does.
- You will never regret being kind.
- It’s okay to be alone sometimes.
- You are enough.
- Lean into the Word of God.
But this process has also reminded me of important truths also. Lessons like I can’t control her actions have been tough for this momma to learn. Implicit in that truth is this one: I really only have control over myself, and especially my heart.
I have been praying for myself lately, for wisdom about navigating the rough waters that can be a part of adolescence and for grace in dealing with my daughter who is changing and growing and often doesn’t even recognize herself.
Here are three rules I’m binding to my heart as a gentle guide for the road ahead.
1. Don’t take it personally. Oh, y’all! This one is hard for me, so hard. When her words are sharp or her actions cut, I have to remember it really isn’t a personal attack. Yes, I want to remind her how she says things matters and how she treats people {including me!} speak about her character. But even more, I want to be a safe place for her in the storms she faces.
2. Assume the best. I am great at giving the benefit of the doubt — to everyone else. So often I assume the worst about my girl and fail to give her the grace she deserves. One of the unspoken gifts I want to give her in the years ahead is to assume the best about her.
3. Listen — to what she says and to what she doesn’t. Far too often I slip into advice giving, Scripture quoting, here’s what you should do mode. But really, most of the time, she already knows all I’m telling her {she’s heard it before!} and what she needs is for me to listen. And sometimes the best listening isn’t to what she says, it’s to what she doesn’t. Learning to pick up the cues about what’s going on in her heart and mind by what she isn’t saying requires that I’m not talking. 🙂
Parenting is hard, no matter what age our children are. It’s been described as having your heart walk around outside your body and I think that’s a great description. But the years of children in our homes pass by so quickly! And I want to be intentional about not just what I teach her but also what I give her of myself.
What are some guidelines you have for your heart as you parent?
Teri Lynne Underwood
Teri Lynne Underwood is a Word lover and idea slinger. A passionate encourager of rest, focus, and embracing life’s seasons, she tries to make time every day for good coffee, excellent books, and lingering conversations. Whether writing or speaking, Teri Lynne’s greatest passion is offering women permission to live well. As a pastor’s wife and a cheerleader’s mom, Teri Lynne is typically three days behind on laundry and trying to remember where she’s supposed to be next. Lately the Lord has been teaching her a lot of lessons about humility, listening, and loving others well. Read more encouragement on her personal blog.
Leave a Reply