One of my best friends texted me suggesting that I write a post on handing jealousy between young siblings during Christmas. She’s got kids that are right around the same age as mine, so we’re often going through VERY similar things at the same time. It’s great.
But when she asked me, I snort-laughed at my phone, for two reasons.
The first is that her question was totally timely – she texted me a few weeks ago – but Christmas presents weren’t really on my radar yet. I’m obviously really good about thinking ahead.
The other reason I laughed is because I TOTALLY get the issue. Our older two girls are 20 months apart, and in a lot of ways it would be easiest to get them the exact same presents. They’d argue less and we wouldn’t worry about everything being fair. BUT then we’d be buying two of everything, which is totally annoying! We know they’d have more fun if they had a greater variety of toys between them. But can they handle that?
So I’ve spent some time thinking about this whole thing. I’m no expert, but I kept coming back to these ideas. This doesn’t really help with the PURCHASING choices, which is probably okay because I’m sure most of you are done. Ahem. Duff and I are going shopping next week during preschool, okay?
But my hope is that it might help all of us prepare a little, no matter what you chose to give to your kids this Christmas.
5 tips for handling holiday jealousy with kids:
1. Realize early on that fair is overrated.
When you prioritize fairness, it has the potential to make people feel less known. No two people are alike, so when you ONLY give gifts that are exactly alike, it CAN feel like you aren’t willing to make choices based on each child’s unique gifts and interests. It doesn’t always go that way, but it can. For example, when you’ve got two daughters who are STILL obsessed with Frozen, it may be the best thing to get each of them an Elsa doll, you know? BUT letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfectly fair early on is helpful for kids AND parents. Kind of lets us off the hook right? Gifts should show each child that they’re known and loved as individuals. That doesn’t mean they CAN’T get the same thing, obviously, but it does mean they don’t HAVE to.
2. Aim for having the same NUMBER of gifts.
My mom did this and it was brilliant. We’re a family that opened gifts in rounds, and no, that doesn’t make us super boring, it was always really fun. So this works really well for us – she would make sure that each kid had the same number of items to unwrap. For the most part. If things were uneven, she’d hand one kid two small presents to unwrap one round to even it out. Or she’d give one child a family present to open. Eventually we didn’t need to do this anymore, but when we were young, it helped.
3. Encourage kids to be excited for each other.
I know this one is kind of obvious, but sometimes we forget how helpful the obvious can be. When I was in high school, my parents gave me their 1986 Honda Accord. I REALLY wanted a Jeep Wrangler. I didn’t get it, which made total sense because the car I had was actually much safer for me and also PAID FOR. Later, my parents made a rule that if any of us got a full scholarship, they’d buy us the car we wanted. I didn’t get a full ride to college, and still didn’t get a Jeep.
My sister, on the other hand, DID get a full athletic scholarship. After signing day, my parents took us all out and before we left, my dad pulled me aside. “Hey, we got Kathi her Jeep. We’re going to surprise her with it tonight. I expect you to be excited for her, I know you’ve wanted a Jeep for a long time.”
Now, I realize I was like, 20 at this point, not 2, but the fact that he made a point to talk to me about it meant a lot, and it actually did dispel some of the jealousy I might feel. It was also kind of humbling, because the fact that he felt like he needed to say it revealed what he saw in my heart, right?
I try to do this kind of thing with Liv and Eliza. Liv understands it more. We talk about how it’s HARD to be excited for other people sometimes, but we need to try. I think this is so important – I don’t want to create emotional stuffers, I want to acknowledge what they’re feeling. YES it’s hard. YES it would be easier on you if things were the way you wanted them. But this other way, choosing to be excited for other people, is better. It takes work, but it’s better. We talk about how happy our hearts feel when we really ARE excited for other people.
We just dealt with this for Liv’s birthday in November. Eliza had a hard time being excited, and we did get her a small gift too, which helped. We worked through it, and actually I noticed Liv calling her favorite gift {Twilight Sparkle’s Rainbow Castle} OUR gift when she talked to Eliza. “Eliza, let’s go play with OUR Rainbow Castle!” And Eliza was excited about it too, largely because of the way LIV handled it. So they came together over a gift they both loved, even though it was technically Liv’s. It’s possible!
They still fight over it and everything else sometimes, but I share that story just to show that we don’t have to have the LOWEST expectations for what our kids are capable of, especially if we work through ideas with them.
4. Realize that holidays are great, but they’re never perfect.
Kids will have to struggle with envy and jealousy, right? We can’t keep them from that. I still struggle with it. I feel like my heart has been totally bested by a pair of expensive boots ALL WINTER LONG. I want them. I don’t want to want them. I’m jealous of those who have them. IT’S UGLY. If I’m struggling over STUFF at 32, how could I expect my kids to master this lesson at 5 and 3? Yes, I want them to be grateful, as I want to be grateful myself. But we have to work on it. We have to work through it. And you know what? Those moments are valuable family time too. They may not be as enjoyable, but they’re good and important.
5. When in doubt, hug it out.
This goes against everything in me. When I’m annoyed or upset, my personal bubble is practically a mile wide. But I’ve noticed that when my kids are upset, if I move toward them PHYSICALLY, they calm down very, very quickly. This morning Eliza looked up at me and said, “Mom, I still have the gwumpiesth” {grumpies}. I asked what she thought we should do and she said, “We need to hug dem out.” So we did. I’m not saying it’ll work every time, but sometimes during intense times like Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning, taking time to hug it out makes a big difference for little hearts feeling big things.
Our children are going to deal with feelings of envy and jealousy in every season of their lives. We have the opportunity to prepare their hearts to celebrate the good fortune of others and handle these big feelings with love and grace. It’s a life lesson that will benefit them into adulthood, I am sure of it.
Have you been caught in the mess of a sibling rivalry or family measuring stick? What has worked for your family to bring peace and unity during the holidays?
Kristi James
Kristi is a writer, pastor’s wife, and mom to three pretty spectacular little girls. Read more from her at And Babies Don’t Keep and find her on Instagram and Twitter at @kristenannjames
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