“You don’t have to see eye to eye to walk hand in hand.” -Unknown
One thing I’ve noticed is that we are too quick to judge our own parents. They may not be living up to our expectations or even up to our standards, but who are we to judge them. I’m pretty sure that most of us had a time in our own lives that we didn’t live up to our parent’s expectations or standards. Did our parents disown us for it? Did they shun us or exclude us from their life? No. Then who are we to judge them and pass sentencing.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12
The word doesn’t specify to honor your father and mother IF something, it just says to do it. How are we honoring our parents if we don’t give them just a little bit of the grace that we demanded when we were growing up? Honor means to ‘revere, to treat with respect, in high esteem’. Even if you don’t agree with your parents or believe the same way, you can find something to respect in them. If anything, they raised you. Recognize that some of the good in you is because of them. Hold onto the respectable qualities and extend grace for their shortcomings and challenges. Because you know why? They are human.
As I was growing up, I thought my parents knew everything and were just about perfect. When I became an adult, I began to see their weaknesses. It wasn’t because they had changed. It was my perspective that had changed. I’m sure I came back from college with all sorts of ‘suggestions and advice’ for my parents. They graciously listened, but I’m sure there was a part of them thinking “Punk, who do you think you are?” But it wasn’t what I said that was the problem, it was how I said it. I was prideful that I had all the answers.
When you have been looking up to your parents for so long, it’s a foreign perspective to suddenly feel as if you see eye to eye or may even be taller (in a figurative sense). The challenge is to not let this new perspective become pride, to not assume that you have all the answers. Trust me, pride is never good, especially in relationships.
As daughters, we have a choice
to honor our parents, despite the differences, disagreements, and disappointments
or
to dishonor them because of differences, disagreements, and disappointments.
Ultimately, we honor our parents by respecting them. After watching my Dad’s reaction to his 60th birthday present, I realized that it isn’t enough to just honor them, you have to actually show them honor.
The 2 best ways to show honor to our parents is to tell them and to include them in our lives. Just like us, they want to be remembered, needed, and wanted. They want to know that they have made a difference in this world. We were their biggest investments in life. How we live our life and include them in it, honors them as our parents.
I recognize that some people have very complicated and challenging relationships with your parents. It’s ok, there is grace. Ask the Lord for grace. Ask the Lord to show you how you can honor your parents.
Parenting starts off as a one way street. In the beginning, it is up to the parents to do all the work in the relationship. The parents set the tone, make the effort, and define the relationships. Then somewhere in the process the kids grow up. The adult kids suddenly have a voice in the nature of the relationship, and the street becomes 2 ways.
It was in college when I realized that the road went both ways with my Grandpa, and I needed to make an effort. I played a role in how deep the relationship could go. I never regretted pursuing that relationship. I had a very close relationship with him, and I knew that some of my cousins didn’t feel the same way. I asked him why he didn’t make more effort to spend time with them. He simply responded, with tears in his eyes “I want to.” I could see that he didn’t think they wanted to spend time with him. His own insecurity was a stumbling block in the relationship. Turns out the man who we all loved and looked up to was human as well.
One one side of the road were grandkids that wanted a closer relationship with their Grandpa and grew up expecting him to engage with them. On the other side of the road was Grandpa, a man who wanted a deeper relationship with his grandkids, but battled his own insecurities and didn’t know how to pursue the relationship beyond being available. In the end, the road with his grandkids was sweet and honorable, but because I made an effort, my road with him turned out to be unique and memorable.
As adults, relationship with our parents and grandparents are 2 way streets. There may be one-lane sections, detours, and road blocks on the way. But despite how messy the road gets, God always paves a path and gives us directions to honor our parents. If you are ever wondering if you are honoring your parents, just use the timeless gauge, ask yourself if you are treating them the way you would like your children to treat you.
Have you struggled with honoring your parents? What are other ways to honor your parents?
Kristy,
Love this post. It is definitely a two way street once we become adults and our responsibility in so many respects to keep the relationship going. I love your heart of grace.
Vieve
What a great post. I had a very hard time when I found out my parents were getting divorced and the reason why. Shortly after, my dad remarried the woman who came between my parents. I had a decision to make. I could either hold on to the pain and continue to disrespect my father because of his actions OR forgive him. He was and is a wonderful father, just not the best husband (at least to my mother). I chose to forgive. I can’t imagine, for one second, my life without my dad. He would lay down his life for me and my brother. Of course I hate what happened, but those were his choices. Who am I to judge? Like you said, I’m sure I have disappointed him a time or two, but he loves me unconditionally. So, this was my turn to extend the same grace that he did for me years prior. It was super hard to let go of the hurt, but I did and now I’m free from bondage.
It pains me to watch other people go through the same type of scenario I did and not find forgiveness or grace. It’s such a waste of time to hold on to resentment. Life is way too short.
Thanks, Kristy, for this post. Love you!
I agree with this concept, but I struggle with execution. My parents invited a convicted sex offender to live in our home (a relative). That relative raped repeatedly me from 5th grade until I graduated and went to college. I asked if I could tell the police. My mother told me not to because I would ruin the relative’s life. I know I am to offer forgiveness and grace. My struggle is with safety. This relative is still invited to family events. It makes me physically ill (PTSD) to be in the room with him. I have children that I need to protect and care for. My parents deny that anything ever happened and maintain that I am being dramatic. I know we are to honor our parents. I know they have done good things. I don’t know how to honor them in a way that provides safety and good boundaries. This really hits home because I have been praying about it for MONTHS!
I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and I don’t even want to presume to understand. Forgiveness is an individual journey that only the Lord can guide. I would say though that the safety and well being of you and your family is of the utmost importance. Forgiveness does not mean relationship without boundaries. Every relationship has boundaries, and the key to healthy relationships is identifying boundaries that work for all involved. Obviously, having family get togethers and pretending like nothing happened, is not healthy for you and is flat out wrong of your parents to expect that of you. Not only are you having to deal with the pain of what happened to you, but you are also dealing with the pain resulting from your parents not believing you and not protecting you–when that was and is their ultimate job as parents.
There are times when letting go of a relationship is the best thing to do. Letting go of the relationship without bitterness and resentment can also be honoring to the person. By not subjecting yourself to additional pain and offense, you can actually continue to walk in forgiveness.
I respect you for being willing to ask the question of how to honor your parents in the midst of such heartache and pain. Standing for what is right and for what you believe is the honorable thing to do, not only for yourself but for the sake of your kids. I pray thathe Lord gives you clarity to stand for truth but covered in grace.