We often look at someone and assume they live in a glass house. We assume that we see everything they are going through. We see the beautiful home, great husband, amazing career, remarkable children, great body….
The list could go on of all the things we ‘think’ we see.
When in reality, that friend who hasn’t returned your phone calls, she doesn’t have the mental energy to pick up the phone because she is fighting for her marriage. The friend that seems aloof and withdrawn is really battling anxiety and depression and wondering what is the purpose of living. The fellow mom at your kid’s school that seems to be super mom and have it all together. Well, she is struggling with a loved one’s recent cancer diagnosis. When you see the family that lives in a beautiful home and drives nice cars, what you don’t see is the mounting debt that is causing a major financial crisis.
We look at the those around us trying to get a read on them based on our own situation and experiences. The truth is that no one except Jesus fully knows what a person has gone through or is going through. The truth is
I have gossiped
I have lied
I have made assumptions
I have made mistakes
I have sinned
But I don’t want other’s opinions of me to be based on my shortcomings. Why?
Because I have been forgiven
I have been given grace.
I have learned
and I have grown in grace
and now I’m learning to extend grace.
Maybe your husband has said something to you that would typically make you begin the journey of divorce. Please don’t take it personally. He may be going through a personal crisis and giving up on marriage seems to be the easiest scapegoat.
Maybe your parents have failed you and it would be easier to stop pursuing a relationship with them. Choose to honor your mother and father, it might be your relationship that helps them experience grace.
Maybe your child has said mean and hateful things to you. Don’t take it personally. Love them anyway. How else will they experience unconditional love?
Maybe a friend has gossiped, backstabbed, or neglected you. Extend grace to them. You don’t really know what they are going through, and they most likely need a true friend.
Christ experienced all sorts of accusations, lies, misconceptions, and ridicule. He didn’t take it personally. Maybe we shouldn’t either. As we continue to seek out a greater understanding of our need for grace, let’s not forget that we must extend grace to others as well.
“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need”. Hebrews 4:16
In what ways are you challenged with extending grace in relationships? How have you grown in extending grace to others?
(Photo courtesy of Wikipedia)
This is awesome!! 🙂
Great post, Kristy!
What an amazing post. It totally resonated with me! I do have one question – to what extent do you feel that we should extend grace to a friend with whom you are in a difficult situation? I feel like that question, in and of itself, includes the answer. Christ says to forgive 70 x 7. And, in my particular situation, my friend has done nothing for me to forgive – it is her lifestyle that is becoming overwhelming for me. I have been her friend for 7 years now. 5 of those years have been wrought with difficulty and hardship, misunderstandings and frustration. My friend asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding and I ended up saying “no” to her kind request because she and her fiance were having sex outside of marriage and I couldn’t, in good conscience, participate. (I realize I sound very judgmental for doing this, but I had a huge peace about my decision and I didn’t feel comfortable supporting a couple publicly that made huge decisions with which I fundamentally disagreed.) While engaged, my friend took the morning-after pill several times. I obviously disagreed with that, being strongly pro-life (although I never said anything to her about it at the time, regrettably). After getting married, she and her husband struggled with fertility issues. When I got pregnant, she distanced herself from me. I tried to be as understanding as possible and actually shied away from taking pictures of myself pregnant or sharing news of my pregnancy because I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. She ended up “unfriending” several of our pregnant friends from Facebook because they overshared, in her opinion, but she continued to stay friends with me, I believe, because I tried my best to be sensitive. A few months ago, she confessed to me that she was having an affair and had not told her husband. Her husband was aware she had feelings for someone, but didn’t realize that she had physically acted on those feelings. I gave her a long lecture about how hypocritical it was that she was mad at HIM for his pornography addiction when she was doing the very same thing and worse, as she’d developed an emotional relationship with this person as well as a physical relationship. My son is almost one year old and I am just struggling with what level of involvement I should allow this friend to have in my life. I have distanced myself lately because I have shared my heart with her on this and multiple other issues. It’s so hard to listen to her complaints about her husband when I feel that she has absolutely no right to complain. Do you feel that it is removing grace from our relationship if I place distance between myself and her, for my family’s sake? The stress of this relationship has caused stress in my relationship with both my husband and my son, but I don’t want her to perceive that I am abandoning her in any way. She also claims to be a born-again Christian and attends church regularly (thankfully), although the theology of the church is somewhat liberal. I’m so confused as to how I can show her grace and yet maintain a peaceful heart myself, as well as a peaceful home, because right now, I feel that these things don’t coexist. So sorry for the heinously long comment! I am officially one of “those” commenters. 🙂
Hi Heather, I’m sure Kristy will respond but I wanted to as well. Many of us have been in a similar situation I’m sure. Finding the balance between conviction and grace is hard. It often depends on the situation. Sounds like your friend needs a lot of grace and you’ve been giving it. I think as long as you can put your family first and protect them from any effects of your relationship, it’s good to stay in touch with your friend. Don’t be afraid to share your heart in a loving way in the areas where you don’t agree with her lifestyle. Let her know you care but that you don’t agree. Assure her that you are not going to turn your back on her. She may get defensive (we usually are when we are living in sin) but stand your ground. If she chooses to “unfriend” you, you can rest knowing you handled the situation with grace AND truth. The dangerous thing about grace is when we allow it to overshadow the truth. Jesus was all about grace but he never abandoned the truth. Hope this is helpful. Praying for you right now!
Heather,
I believe that sometimes extending grace is also drawing healthy boundaries. I’ve had several experiences with people that after a lot of effort and trying to make the relationship work, in the end, I’ve felt the Lord ask me to ‘let it go’. Extending grace doesn’t mean that we have to take on every challenging personality around us, nor does it mean that we allow ourselves or families be taken advantage of. There is a way to extend grace and love, while simultaneously standing for truth and protecting your family. It’s a hard thing to do, but the Lord will help you navigate the way. I wish I could say there was easy “advice” about your situation, but I’ve found these difficult friendships are a journey, and sometimes they just don’t make it.
Such a great reminder and something we need to ponder regularly. I always try to remind myself that there’s more than meets the eye. Just proves we should never compare. Grace should win out over offense or jealousy every time. Thanks Kristy!
Kristy,
This so ministered to me today. And all of it is so true. As a counselor, I always say that no person can ever truly know another’s experience. Thanks so much for writing this.
Love,
Vieve