Several years ago, I ran into a girlfriend at the pool. While our kids played, she apologized for not having seen me in some months. “Are you kidding?” I said. “I’ve been MIA, too. That’s life.” She smiled and said, “It’s so funny you say that. I have to tell you what happened to me this summer.”
Her story was this: her ailing, aging grandmother came to town for a visit. She wanted to see her great-grandsons before life got, well, busy, and her age and frailty didn’t permit her to travel. While she was staying with her granddaughter – my friend – they had a very interesting conversation. My friend (we’ll call her Sadie) shared some of the things she was struggling with, including one very tense situation at church that had taken a lot of her time. The relationship had soured a bit because Sadie was having difficulty managing both her children and her home life while at the same time keeping up with her church friend. Sadie’s friend felt that she was “too busy ” and didn’t prioritize their friendship. Sadie wanted nothing more than to love her friend well, but the demands she felt placed on her were almost too much for her to handle. “Is something wrong with me, Nana?” she asked. “How did you do this, when you were my age? How did you juggle it all?” Nana’s expression went from shocked to stubborn. “I don’t know what to tell you, honey. When I was your age, my husband and my children were my first priority – and that was true for all of my friends, as well. We didn’t have cell phones or e-mail or text messages or Facebook. We didn’t meet for lunch or have girls’ night or meet for playdates. We went to dinner, occasionally, but other than that, I only saw my friends at church. Being friends with someone back then didn’t look a thing like it does now.”
As Sadie shared this, she admitted to me that at first, she was mad. “I felt a little scolded,” she said. “I felt like Nana was telling me that the way I’d been doing things was wrong, and that it didn’t take a rocket scientist to see it.” But then, she recognized the truth: Nana wasn’t scolding her. But she was doing things wrong. She hadn’t ever thought of the incessant text messages, e-mails, lunch dates, phone calls, and Facebook messages as anything other than the pursuit of a friend – a true friend who genuinely just wanted to stay connected. And that interpretation inevitably meant that her inability to respond to each and every invitation to connect meant she was the opposite: she was a flop as a friend, someone who didn’t want to be friends at all. But after Nana’s word, Sadie began processing what that connection was costing her in other areas of her life: the areas that she would proclaim and actually believed were the most important, like spending quality time with her husband after work, or helping her oldest child with his homework at night, or bathing the boys before bed.
As women, we are living in a world that looks vastly different from the generation before us. One word to summarize a massive change that’s been made since, say, 1998? Accessibility. We’re 24/7, ’round the clock accessible. In our minds, accessibility is not just a sign of a good friendship, it’s the foundation. There’s an unwritten contract somewhere out there that says we’ll answer every text that comes through, we’ll return every phone call within a few hours’ time (and spend 45 minutes chatting when we do), and make it to every single lunch date (not to mention girls’ night, baby shower, birthday party, spa day…). If you love your girlfriends, you will be there for them. But what does “being there” mean, exactly? And since when did it come at such a high price?
Sadie (who by now it must be obvious is a genius) shared another word of wisdom with me one evening. It came from the book of Psalms, chapter 16 verses 5 and 6:
“Lord, You alone are my portion and my cup; You make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”
“Boothe,” she said, when I was confiding in her about a particular friendship in my life that was causing me quite a bit of anxiety, “God doesn’t say that He’ll give us the tools to set our own boundary lines. He says that they’ve fallen for us. He’s already drawn them up. They’re there. And when we stay within them, and we ask Him to keep anything out that’s not meant to cross them, well, our life shouldn’t be filled with anxiety and stress.” It was a profound, game-changing moment for me. I’d always thought that anxiety and stress when it pertained to friendship was a result of my own sin, my own inability to handle someone else with love and compassion. What I saw now was that, while God obviously calls us to love others and to even sacrifice ourselves in doing that, He doesn’t want us to lose discernment in our relationships and forget the boundary lines He’s placed around us. Every time I go out into the world now, I pray that simple prayer: Lord, let me live within the boundary lines You have drawn for me. Let no word or deed cross those lines, on my side or the world’s, without Your jurisdiction.
Some of the words that I intentionally let Him filter out now include things like, “Where have you been?” or “You take forever to answer a text!” or “Why can’t you ever do lunch?” I don’t want to hurt my friends, and I believe relationships and community are biblical. But if your idea of a good friendship is based on accessibility – or, “being there” for someone – then consider this: the Word says a friend loves at all times. It doesn’t say a friend is always at your beck and call. It doesn’t say a friend will respond immediately when you have a question, or need to vent about some frustration. It doesn’t say a friend will make it to every single event that means something to you. While it certainly feels nice to have someone who does all of that, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re being loved. Love is first of all patient. It doesn’t have a timeline for a response to a trivial issue. Love is kind. It doesn’t need to chat with a girlfriend about how ridiculous someone looked in the carpool line ASAP. Love isn’t envious, it doesn’t brag. It’s not selfish, it doesn’t get angry easily. It doesn’t keep track of how many times you screwed up. And the list goes on. It turns out that love, as defined by the Scriptures, doesn’t look much like “being there” at all. It’s infinitely better, richer, and more fulfilling.
If we don’t learn to live within the boundaries God has drawn up for each of us – and no two look exactly the same – we’ll drown in the abyss of incessant communication with the outside world. We have to stop and unplug. To disconnect. To be okay to be away.
And teach your children to do the same. In the middle of that whole passage about love (in 1 Corinthians 13), Paul makes a rather interesting statement: “When I was a child, I thought like a child… when I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” It seems that love – real, authentic, Christ-defined love – is a sign of maturity. As they grow in stature, let them also grow in wisdom. Let them see you living within the boundary lines God has set for you, and let them see that those boundary lines are in “pleasant places.” After all, as moms, our single greatest charge is to place before our children examples: living, breathing models of what Jesus can do with a broken, jumbled-up life. The best way to find out? Let Him fill the void. Unlike any human friend you’ll ever make, He actually is always there.
Moms, how have you blurred the boundary lines in your friendships? What can you do today to embrace the “pleasant places” of His boundaries?
Boothe Blanton Farley
I’m sorry but I have to politely disagree with this. Don’t get me wrong, your husband and children should take first priority next to God in your life. All the same, IT IS POSSIBLE to still make time for friendships. I grew up in a neighborhood where people met together every Saturday evening for potlucks while the children played together. They still worked and had their kids in activities but carved out time for each other each week. What about dinner invites and those summer barbecues? If you already know you’re going to eat dinner, why not share the meal with friends? What about window shopping with a friend at Walmart once a month after the kids are asleep? In the past I went errand running with friends and helped them with home organizational projects. The friend that I chose to help and run errands with worked full time and had children. It was a creative way to connect. Another thought, what if the mother gave up pursuing hobbies in order to maintain an active social life after having kids? What if the mother NEEDS quality time with others in order to recharge? Granted some people really do have a lot on their plates and really can’t meet, but I’m tired of hearing that you should give up time with friends after becoming a mom.
Thanks for
I am not a mom, and I’m coming to this conversation several years late. But you have written exactly what I have been feeling for years.
I tend to attract needy friends and I am tired of it. I have been feeling guilty because I am tired of being at the beck and call of folks who never seem satisfied with the attention that I give them. They are also miffed because I don’t respond to every text or every call. Right now I’m delaying my response to a friend who wants to know if I’m mad at her because I’m not responding every time she texts or calls.
Thank you thank you thank you!
One of the lessons my Dad taught me that has stuck with me is that my phone is there for my convenience, not for someone else’s. I don’t jump up and run when my phone rings. i walk. (Unless I am expecting a call back from my kids’ doctor. I always seem to miss that call! Annoying.) If I am having a serious conversation with my husband, child, or friend, I don’t hop up if it rings. My husband used to say, “What if it’s important?” I say, “They’ll call again and I will know. Or they will call your phone.” I don’t know why my Dad’s statement stuck with me when so much rolled off, but it releases me from guilt. I am not a slave to my phone. It is my tool. And I can respect the same attitude from my friends when they don’t answer my phone call.
If community and being Christ-like doesn’t mean being there when someone needs when they are in need, then what is community and being Christ-like?
The problem isn’t that we are there too often when people need us. It’s that we think we have to be there when people don’t need us yet they think what they are experiencing is a need. The solution is for all of us to take a step back and recognize what are true needs, felt needs, and just selfish desires.
Abandoning being there for others isn’t the path to better community and Chirst-like living. Defining when we should be there seems to be a better step. Because we aren’t real friends if we say, “I’m sorry your mother died, but I have family time right now. Maybe I’ll get back to you in a few days.” But we don’t need to be there when they are just frustrated about a job taking too long to get done. It’s all about defining real needs.
That first sentence is totally terrible. I edited it and posted. It was probably better before the edit. It should read…
If community and being Christ-like doesn’t mean being there when someone is in need, then what is community and being Christ-like?
I agree with you it is so true. I’ve been in many difficult times in my life and my friends were “busy” for me and I thought that’s not reciprocate because I know in my heart I have been there for them through thick and thin.
I’m not a mom, but this article resonated with me. I’ve been struggling in this area for a long time…. Getting frustrated that I don’t spend enough one on one time with my friends or see them enough outside of the church building. However, I’m in a different place of life… I’m 22 and live on my own. My parents live in another state, and I’m single until God decides its time I meet someone. I’m having a hard time finding where my focus should be, because I have no family around me to spend time with. I love my job (I’m in ministry) but can only commit myself to it so much before I’m fried. And most of my friends still live with their families, so their priority is spending time with them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you- for this post. I have such issues with “friendships” that cause way too much time effort. I love the few friendships that I have of where we don’t have to talk all the time. No quilt.
Need to work on the staying offline and so forth. Thanks for sharing.
This is a great post.
Having been on BOTH sides of this–having been drained by others’ needs and having been the clingy, needy one (who got dumped as a friend at one point over this)–I know that when needs are focused on friends, other humans, NOTHING they do in terms of answering phone calls or hanging out will be enough. The need comes from somewhere deeper–in my case, it was a desperation borne out of a lack of direction and lack of sensing God’s presence. I went through a very dark time, but eventually I had to face the darkness head on and get to know Jesus better in the midst of it.
So trying to “be there” for someone who calls and texts incessantly will ultimately not help that person. It is much better to be honest BEFORE you really get angry (and, as a human, you very well may, especially when you have another crushing burden and this person is still showing up). Encourage that person to find additional friends (without steering her towards particular ones, since that can really backfire), and encourage her to find her sufficiency in Christ. Most importantly, do it ALL in a spirit of humility, not falling into gossiping about her and how she “has problems.” Next year she may STILL be the one who helps and exhorts you. You just never know.
It’s so affirming to hear from so many people who are obviously wrestling with this issue like I have been! As one person pointed out, sending a text – even a few minutes’ long conversation on the phone – doesn’t necessarily involve boundary issues… but that’s the beauty of boundaries as defined by the Word: they’re not created by us, per our personal ideologies, but rather by God – we simply have to seek Him and ask Him to give us discernment about where they fall for US. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that everyone’s boundaries won’t look like mine! Texts may be quick and non-invasive to a point, but we are such a communication-heavy society (not to mention addicted to instant gratification, which, in this case might mean wanting a response to a sent text immediately) that I do believe that something meant to be quick and convenient, when performed repetitively, can easily become a burden (it certainly has for me). I pray that the words in this blog will simply allow women – and men! – to feel the freedom to live within boundary lines that the world may deem exaggerated AND to have grace for those who operate differently!
I agree with the overall sentiment of this article, but on the other hand it does take about 10 seconds to return a text.
I am extremely busy, and almost never have long phone conversations with friends, but taking a few seconds to send a brief text to answer someone seems not overly intrusive into our boundaries.
Heather, I understand what you are saying, and I was just explaining to my mom (who has just learned how to text) that sometimes texting KEEPS you from having to make a phone call that would take much more of your time!
Answering one text is not difficult. Answering ten from the same person in an hour can be, whether you needed time with your husband or whether you just wanted to lie down after an exhausting couple of days.
I’m going to join in everyone else saying that this came as perfect time. I struggle with this a lot, and so this was the perfect thing I needed to read at this time!
So glad this post resonated with you. Glad to have you here in the community!
I loved this, and this is exactly what I have been doing for the past month…retreating {being MIA} from everything outside God and my family {social media, friendships, and anything else that took me away from them}. I needed time to re-focus, re-fresh, re-group with my time with God and family. And oh my goodness, it has been such a blessing!! Why had I not done this before. It is so very important to keep God first, hubby 2nd, family next and everything else will follow. If we get any of those mixed up everything will be messed up…guarnteed!! I love a saying I read the other day “Friends are like sprinkles on a cupcake” or something like that. They are the extra blessings the Lord gives us. Cherish them when you find friends that understand, that will always be there no matter what. I have a best friend that even though she lives far she totally and completely understands and is always there. We are both busy moms, but when we do talk we pick up right where we left of the last time.
Thank you for sharing this, I almost felt guilty for being MIA. But after reading this I feel free from those guilty feelings. I need to just stay focused on those three things and everything else will follow.
I love my friends but my love for God, hubby and family come before anything else.
God Bless you and thank you for sharing this!!!
Hi Adrienne. Glad you found this post. Boothe really shared this topic so well. I’m so thrilled you’ve been able to let go of the guilt. Our minds have a way of deceiving us with the wrong guilt. Blessings to you as you are obedient to your top priorities! Welcome to the GFM community!
I’ve been struggling with similar issues of late. I relayed some of it to a friend and she emailed me the link here. I have had some people in my life prompting some upsets in my circles and I have come to rethink my association with them, despite my feeling that if I drop my contact with them, that I have used their friendship to gain something else in return.
So glad this post has been helpful. It’s hard to rethink friendships because we are called to love. Hoping you receive greater clarity as you process.
The timing of this article is amazing…these same feelings are what have been on my mind and in my heart recently. I could write so much more, but I’m taking your suggestion to UNPLUG and spend some much-needed face time with family. Thanks & God Bless! 🙂
Kathy, it’s amazing how so many of us are relating to this. Glad to have you here. Enjoy your unplugged time!
Wow, what a timely reminder! Thank you.
Glad to have you here Elena!
I’m not a Mom; I’m just a teenage son who loves his Mom, and I have to just say, even if I am not one, I think this is something that everyone can relate to. There is an amazing young lady whom I am dating, and due to Church-related business, she does go MIA for some time, and I had a little bit of trouble accepting that at first… But after reading your article, I feel like you’ve given a new meaning and a better outlook towards my situation.
Thank you so much; you have a very beautiful style of writing and conveying your ideas. God bless!
So glad you stopped by to read this Chris! All the best to you!
Thank you so much for this! I need to save this and read it again and again.
Totally agree Crista. This post is resonating with so many moms because we need grace in friendships! We need to figure out His boundaries and extend grace to one another…especially during this season of life with littles! Thank you for sharing Boothe!
Thank you for sharing this! It strikes a chord….tons of my friends have been reposting this. Just wanted to encourage you in the comments section that you’re on the pulse of real life for moms today!