She was having a full blown fit pitching, tantrum throwing, melt-down right there on the food court floor {gross} with an audience of about seventy shoppers {of course}. The big explosive screams were like magnets to the on-lookers. Their eyes first went to the source and then diverted to the responsible party— me, the mom of the Screaming Mimi.
Ever been there?
Grace for moms? Yah, I needed it then. And after that memorable and humbling humiliating experience, I give it more freely. Nothing teaches grace and humility like being a mom.
Throwing a tantrum, pitching a fit, having a meltdown—kids do this and moms have to deal with it.
A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook her son was having one of those moments, right next to her. It appeared to involve being denied the use of a particular chair.
Whatever…
This mom is a seasoned mom, kid number five. She was able to express her exasperation with a {sigh}. She’s seen this before, many times. She knows it’s a moment. And she knows there is a good likelihood the moment will return another day.
She’s calm. She’s a realist. Two important qualities for a parent to have.
Since that day in the mall, I’ve learned tantrums aren’t all the same. They may look the same but the way to prevent each one is very different.
“I’m hungry, hot, tired, and thirsty meltdown.” A basic need meltdown.
“I’m frustrated.” {A big outburst when the learning curve is too high and the frustration basket is already full.} A developmental tantrum.
“I want my way.” {We know this one right away when we see it. This is the power hungry kid looking to win a power struggle.} The control freak fit.
Prevention is the place to start. We won’t eliminate meltdowns but we can reduce the number and intensity.
Basic Need: Avoid running errands right before nap or meal time. This can be a challenge but be aware if you choose to push the basic needs boundaries it is quite likely a meltdown will occur. One mom I know travels with lollipops to avoid the meltdown. Anticipating and meeting the need to eat, stay comfortable, be rested {lack of rest, a typical holiday tantrum} or quench a thirst can reduce many potential meltdowns. Help your child express his needs, “You feel upset because you are hungry. Let’s go get some food right now! I’m hungry too!” Describe the feeling, identify the reason, provide a solution, show empathy.
Developmental: Kids are learning and growing at a rapid rate. Kids become overwhelmed and angry easily. Lots of frustration can occur when learning a new skill. Break learning times into smaller pieces so your child can feel more success. Avoid going overboard with your expectations. High expectations are good but impossible expectations, not so good. Give your young child words to describe his feelings: mad, sad, glad for the nonverbal youngsters. For the older, more verbal kids train them to describe more than “mad” use words like: frustrated, irritated, or exasperated.
Control Freak Fit: This one is the most annoying. We can kind of understand the basic needs and developmental outbursts, but the power struggle ones make us crazy. Right?! Lots of fits pitched for power let the parent know the child may need a little more control over certain parts of his life where appropriate. “You can pick which cereal you want for breakfast.” “Which pair of shorts would you like to wear?” Of course, there is always the little stinker who will say I pick “C” when offered A or B. This is when we say, “Choose A or B or I pick.” {No kid wants to give up any power. This usually works great!} And if a parent starts sentences with, “Yes, when…” rather than “No, not until…” the fits will also be fewer. When the child feels as if Mom and Dad are on his team rather than an obstacle, tantrums will decrease. I love the commercial where the dad rethinks his decision and allows his daughter to wear her fairy princess costume to picture day. Some battles are not worth fighting and are a part of the beauty of raising a little kid. {We don’t have to be so serious. My son, as a preschooler, went everywhere with buckets on his head.}
Okay…so what happens if you have met needs, broken-down learning, allowed the child more of a voice and a tantrum still occurs?
Stay calm.
Say, “Timmy, take the tantrum to your room {or where ever your tantrum place is}. When you are ready to leave the tantrum, come on back to me and we can cuddle and read a book.”
By saying take the tantrum and leave the tantrum the child feels as if the tantrum is a separate entity and he can separate from it. Once he is able to remove the tantrum, allow him back into the family-fold right away and give a positive consequence. Reinforce the thing you want, a shorter tantrum and a child who is learning to self-regulate.
Most importantly, stay calm, like my friend. Be realistic, like my friend. Remind yourself, kids and tantrums go together. Try the prevention and action techniques to reduce the number of outbursts and their intensity.
And remember to always give grace to the mama who is in the middle of a bad…moment.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
What have you found to be a successful tantrum reduction strategy?
Lori Wildenberg
Lori is passionate about coming alongside parents to encourage, support, and empower them to be the parents they want to be. Lori meets moms and dads where they are with her warmth, transparency, humor, and a straight-forward, faith-filled approach. She is a licensed parent-family educator, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting {with Becky Danielson} co-author of three parenting books {Wildenberg & Danielson}, parent consultant, teacher trainer, and speaker. Lori is a mentor mom with The MOM Initiative and Moms Together. She has spoken in Florida, California, Texas, Minnesota, and Colorado. Mostly, Lori is wife to Tom and mom of four. The Wildenbergs home is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. A perfect day in Lori’s world is hiking with her husband, four kids, and labradoodle! Connect with Lori on her blog.
You guys! This information is so helpful for me, considering I spent most of Monday managing the meltdowns of my 3 year old. So thankful for mentor moms like Lori who have wisdom to share. Check out her books for more practical parenting advice. Thanks for being here today, Lori!
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Really lovely article! Made me feel better just reading it–I’m not alone! Thank you!!
Honestly, we’ll still struggling with our 3 year old daughter who has some pretty incredible tantrums (mostly of the power struggle variety) on an almost daily/multiple times a day basis. We try to employ all the above suggested strategies, but once she melts down, she is incapable of calming herself down. It takes a lot of work on our part to help her calm down – usually 15 to 30 or even 45 minutes of hysterics. We are planning to talk with our pediatrician and also an Occupational Therapist about what we suspect may be a Sensory Processing Disorder/Regulatory Disorder. In the mean time, we pray a LOT for wisdom, patience, hope and God’s intervention in her life.
It might be helpful to follow the age-old biblical “spare the rod, spoil the child” here! It sounds like she’s frustrated because her role in the family isn’t clearly defined. She thinks she has some control over you, or thinks she should. But you are the parent, lovingly guiding her, and she is the child.