On Grief and Gratitude

They stood at the counter cutting out leaves and quickly recording on them the things for which they are most grateful. As I hung their thanks, I realized that kids – most often – are first and foremost thankful for people.

Mommy. . .Daddy. . .My Brother. . .My Cousin. . .My Grandma. . .My Grandpa. . .Jesus

Though I hope to foster within them a deep gratitude for all they have both relational, physical and emotional, I am more than alright with the idea that people are held closest to their tiny hearts.

Hope asked if she could write just one more leaf before heading up to bed.

“Of course you can sweetie,” I said, willing to stay up long into the night as she continued to express her gratitude.

Then she handed me a leaf to hang on the branch of our Thanksgiving Tree.

Gigi

She knows she’ll not see her again, this side of heaven. She understands that our lives are void of so much now that she is gone. But her sweet heart thought to be outwardly thankful for her precious grandmother who went to heaven just six weeks ago.

I’ve wrestled a lot these past six weeks with the idea of thanksgiving in the midst of a season of grief. To be honest, I haven’t felt all that thankful lately. Sad? Yes. Disappointed? Sure. Angry? You bet. Thankful? Not so much.

But everyday I look at my mantle, I see this phrase (that I’ve always believed to be truth) and I’m torn.

I no longer have my mom. My daughter no longer has her grandmother. . .and actually, my daughter no longer has either of her grandmothers since we lost my mother-in-law as well just three short years ago. So really, we’re very far from enough in this family. We are two precious, loving, beautiful, Godly moms and grandmoms away from enough.

How do I reconcile that? How do I accept that as long as I have the right attitude. . .the appropriate level of gratitude, that I will feel like I have enough? When my mind forgets that they are gone and I go to pick up the phone because I need a mother’s advice on mothering or cooking or relationships. . .when I sit alone at my child’s school program because the grandmas can’t be there. . .if I’m thankful for my home and my husband and our countless blessings. . .suddenly I have enough?

I’ve realized this beautiful sentiment has very little to do with people and a lot to do with material things. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you then you understand there is no enough in the relational part of your heart once they are gone. There will always be a void. And yes, I believe that Jesus is in the business of filling voids but my older, wiser, spiritual soul understands this isn’t literal. He covers our grief with his grace. He fills the hole in our tender hearts with a supernatural comfort that only he can bring. And for that I am grateful. But it will never stop hurting. I trust it will get easier, but I will never stop grieving the absence of my mother.

With each passing day I feel his grace covering my heart, turning my focus from the grief onto those things for which I am most grateful. But aside from his work in my heart, the two have very little to do with each other. I cannot express pat Christian sentiments that I have so much to be thankful for and thus, I will not focus on my grief. I can’t imagine Jesus expecting that of us.

I have many things to be thankful for. And I will express my gratitude to him and to others as we celebrate Thanksgiving.

I have many levels of grief going on within my heart. I will not allow it to overshadow my thankfulness for other things, and I will not believe the lie that I must overcome my grief with that gratitude.

As we allow his grace to fill our holes. . .not his blessings. . .but his grace, those of us who are grieving during this season can transcend the pain of loss to find those other things for which we are thankful. The pain may not diminish but the focus can. . .even for a day. . .as we set aside our grief to think about the blessings that remain, most of all, his love, which just might become even more real to us in the midst of our broken-heartedness.

And for this, I am deeply grateful.

Have you lost a loved one recently? Do you struggle to reconcile your grief with gratitude for the blessings that remain in your life?