Preparing Yourself and Your Child for Baby #2

Before I gave birth to my second child 6 weeks ago, I had planned to write a post on preparing your child for baby #2. But I never got around to it. I’m so glad I didn’t because 6 weeks in, I have a bit of a different perspective on the matter and I now understand that both I and my 3 year old needed some hard core preparation. Expanding your family from 3 (mommy, daddy, baby) to 4 (or more for that matter) is definitely a shock. No longer can you share the responsibility of your little one (“here, you take care of her while I take a shower”), you now share the responsibility of 2 or more lives which means neither of you get a child-free break to shower or eat or pee. Eventually when they are a bit older and can be left alone in a room, you might get these luxuries. In the beginning however, you’ll likely have one child in your arms, hanging on your leg or screaming for your attention at all times.

I think so much of it is about having your expectations in order before baby comes. I’m not so sure I had mine in line. I was convinced that baby #2 would be my “easy baby” since #1 was a little high maintenance. But alas. . .my two babies are basically carbon copies of one another. Hey, at least I know what I’m dealing with.

In the spirit of good airline safety (“place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your children”), let’s start by making sure mommy is ready for the new little one that is about to enter her life. After all, if mommy ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy. . .

Prepping Yourself:

1. Find every scripture you can about grace and wisdom and commit them to memory. Write them down on little note cards or in a journal. You.Will.Need.Them.Every.Day. If you can’t seem to find time to spend alone with God, at least you’ll have great scriptures on your mind.

2. Don’t script your current child or your baby-to-be. Maybe I’m the only one who does this, but I plan everything out in my head. . .even how I hope my children will be or act. Why do I do that? They NEVER cooperate with my lofty goals. Let your children be who they were made to be (for better or worse) and pray daily (or hourly) for the grace and wisdom to guide them. (I am learning this lesson even as I type).

3. Spend as much time alone as you can before baby #2 comes. Girls night out. A mani/pedi. Coffee and a good book. If you were able to make these happen with one child, awesome. So much harder to make them happen with two. Ask your husband, family member or friend to help watch your child so you can set aside several dates with yourself before #2 arrives (emphasis on several, one is not enough).

4. Let go of perfection, order and control. I never considered myself a perfectionist or a control freak before I had one child. Then I saw my true colors. Two is only illuminating this fact even more so. We need to let go of the notion that we should have it all together. Sure, it drives me a little crazy to look around the room and see toys all over the place as I watch my 3 year old play loudly while holding my crying baby. I’d prefer to have the house in order, 3 year old reading a book and peaceful music playing to soothe the little one. Perhaps that’s happened once or twice in the past 6 weeks but it’s not going to be the norm. I’d like to say “as long as everyone is fed, clothed and breathing you are doing ok,” and I do believe that to some extent. But I believe that with the Lord’s help we can do more than just survive. We can thrive as mothers. But that doesn’t necessarily mean we have it all together. There’s a balance that God will reveal to us if we seek Him.

5. Be kind to yourself. This is something my counselor says over and over again. Mommy guilt is not going to help you take better care of your children. It’s fruitless. Do your best and in those moments when you feel that your best is not enough, be gentle with yourself.

Prepping {and dealing with} Your Child:

1. Spend lots of one on one time with your child. Although they will have to adjust to daddy’s attention being split as well, they will be more affected by your lack of attention to them. Especially if you are home with your children every day. I never realized how hard it would be to constantly say no to my 3 yr old because I had to take care of the baby. I’m sick of hearing myself say it, and I know she is. But it’s the reality of the season we are in. I don’t think you can make too many deposits in their emotional bank account so do whatever you can to build up their trust and security before the transition.

2. Talk about the new baby. Share with your child what this transition is going to look like and what it will mean for them. Children feel secure when they know what to expect. We did this a bit but not nearly enough. Now, I’m trying to be very mindful of how I talk with my 3 yr old about the baby. Don’t make it all about baby but make sure your older child knows what to expect.

3. Engage your child in baby activities. Your child will love being mommy’s little helper. Involve them in decorating baby’s room or preparing baby’s clothes. After baby arrives, let your child help with diaper changes and feedings. Let them introduce new toys to baby. Feeling like a vital part of this new relationship will greatly help with the adjustment.

4. Give your child something special to acknowledge them becoming a big sister or brother. A small toy or trinket. . .perhaps a special family item. . .Having something tangible will make them feel special and likely distract them initially during the transition.

5. Remember your child is only {insert age here}. My daughter threw a temper tantrum the other day when I couldn’t hold her because I was holding the baby. I felt guilty and honestly annoyed with her. I addressed her poor attitude but I realized I need to be gentle with her heart and remember she is only 3 and doesn’t fully know how to express feeling left out or, dare I say, neglected. We need to address poor responses but we also need to acknowledge the heart issues they stem from in a nurturing way.

{Disclaimer: I am writing this post, not as an expert but as a mommy who is currently in the trenches of going from 1 to 2. I welcome any and all input from other moms on how to prepare yourself and your child for this huge life change.}

What tips and strategies did you find helpful in preparing yourself and your child for baby #2 or #3. . .?

Learning from the Lord as I go,