Walking Your Child Through Disappointment

We try so hard to create the perfect life for our children. We protect them from bumps and bruises as they take their first steps, we help them find activities they can do well, and we steer them away from risky things. But as much as we try to keep them inside our protective bubble, at some point, each child will come face to face with rejection, hurts and disappointments. {Isn’t this uplifting? Hang with me for a minute…}

As parents, I think it is so important that we not only protect our kids, but that we learn how to walk with them through life’s inevitable struggles. They don’t just need a pep talk or a “look on the bright side” when they have been punched in the gut by rejection. They need someone to grab their hands, look them in the eyes and help them take the next steps. Who better to do that for your kids than you?

Our family recently moved from Texas to Germany—a HUGE change! Everything is new and different, including the language, so we are having to be each others’ biggest fans right now. Each day has mile-high challenges, and it is easy to feel defeated and rejected by the time you sit down in the evening. But one particular rejection sent my sweet nine-year-old daughter reeling.

Claire has been taking ballet classes since she was three years old, and she loves ballet more than anything else in the world. In her words, “Ballet is my LIFE!” Now that we are in Berlin, we have been looking for a place that she can continue her training, keeping in mind her goal of becoming a professional dancer some day.

Well, there is a prestigious school in Berlin called the Staatliche Ballettschule—the State Ballet School—and from our research, we decided we should contact them to see if we could get an audition. This is a “professional” school, where the students attend regular classes of math, language and science during the day and are trained in ballet and performing skills in the afternoons six days a week. Students from many different countries attend this program and most of them are boarding students who live in the dorms on campus. Because it is part of the German public school system, this intensive training is tuition-free {they are very big on vocational/professional training here}, and therefore highly coveted. Each year more than five hundred applicants audition, but the school only takes about twenty. So, we went into this knowing that the odds were not in our favor. Nevertheless, Claire bravely went into the audition room with a few other girls, wanting to do her best.

After an hour, the director took us into his office and gave us a very succinct “no.” He told Claire that she was “too compact” and did not have the right body for ballet. What Claire’s little heart heard was that she was fat and not worthy of being trained as a ballerina. It crushed her. We left the building, Claire crying loudly, and walked the four blocks back to the train.

 I wanted to make it all better. I wanted to laugh it off and joke about what an idiot that guy was. I wanted to help her find her brave face again and soldier on…but she couldn’t do any of that. She was hurting from a shot to her heart.

So, what I did instead was wrap my mama arms around her, draw her close and hug her the whole train ride home. I shared her tears, felt her heartache and let her know I understood. And I also bought her a mango smoothie and a slice of apple tart as we laugh-cried some more about the whole thing.

Then, when she could finally look me in the eye, I breathed some life back into her deflated heart: “Claire, it doesn’t matter what that man or anybody else says about you. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you aren’t right for something. You are beautiful! You have a beautiful body that was hand crafted by God. GOD! And God put a talent inside you to dance. He doesn’t give talents by mistake or with carelessness. What God says about you is what matters. He knows exactly who you are, sweet girl. He says you are wonderful. You are a delight! You are precious and valuable and worthy because He made you, and He lives in you. And I agree with Him—you are such a beautiful, amazing, talented girl! Anyone who can’t see that is blind.”

After about thirty minutes more of that line of conversation, she looked at me with relief in her big, blue eyes and gave me a great, big smile.

This experience was painful for her heart as well as mine. But through it I learned some important steps for walking my child through disappointment. I hope they are helpful as you encounter disappointing roads to walk with your own child.

5 Steps to Walking Your Child Through Disappointment

1.   Draw her close.

Let her know that you are right there with her and she is not expected to deal with the hurt on her own.

2.   Share the hurt.

Really put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel in those circumstances. If you can’t relate at all, then try to imagine how your child is feeling.

3.  Don’t rush.

Some of the best emotional healing happens when you just sit quietly with your child and hold her. Give her the time she needs to open up about the situation.

4.  Speak life.

Talk directly into that wounded place and fill up her little heart with truth. Tell her who she is—who God says she is. Help her hear God’s voice for herself and get her own mental picture of how God sees her.

5.  Help her take a step.

Working through the emotion is important—and so is moving forward away from the situation. Teach your child not to stay hurt by helping her look forward and take a step. Just like a toddler learning to walk, we have to take steps emotionally to learn how to move past the disappointment into something greater.

Since that audition at “the poopy school”, or so we have nicknamed it, we have found another ballet school that seems to be a good fit for Claire. The instructors are nice, the students are nice and were not only helpful when we tried a class, but were fun and friendly, too. Something I tell Claire quite frequently about dance is that most of the time when you audition, you get a “no”…but sometimes you get a “yes!”  So it goes with life, right? Life tells you NO all the time; but pushing through to your YES makes it all seem worth it. You can help your child learn that a “no” is not the end in the arena of their hopes and dreams. Processing the emotions, validating her identity and pressing forward can propel her into a whole new place of fulfillment and joy.

Has your child experienced a deep disappointment with a dream or a relationship? How have you helped them take the next step towards healing their heart?

Photo: Flickr | samuel reis