It was 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, midway through my intern year, when the impact of pregnancy loss first slapped me in the face. As intern, I was in charge of doing the paperwork for all those being admitted to the hospital that night. The last patient on my list was a pleasant 50 year old women being admitted for pelvic pain.
In my rush to finish the paperwork and hopefully get an hour of sleep, I began hammering her with my list of questions. I started with, what every good OB/GYN intern starts with, the “G’s and P’s”. G=Gravida, which stands for the number of pregnancies. P=Parity, which stands for the number of deliveries. Each piece of the gynecological medical record starts with this bit of information. Yes, OB/GYNs start first by judging the ability of your womb to accept and carry a child.
“How many times have you been pregnant?” I ask hurriedly, pencil in hand.
“Only once.. but … he didn’t make it.” She said, her voice shaking, with a single tear quickly wiped from her cheek.
I was taken aback, both by her response and my own. This loss had occurred years ago, yet still stung so deeply. That night I learned to ask this question more tactfully.
A couple years later, I learned another lesson in the pain of pregnancy loss when my own joy of conceiving was quickly mired by seeing blood stained toilet paper. My loss was early, but the pain was deep and real. Time has healed my hurt, but I am frequently reminded of the pain of loss as I am often the bearer of bad news. Sadly, miscarriage is extremely common and something I had dealt with on a regular basis. I had not truly appreciate the level of loss experienced until I was on the other side of the stethoscope.
Over the years I learned to look differently at the G’s and P’s on the medical record. My heart will ache when I see a G6P2, realizing the painful reality that the 4 losses must represent. I cannot fathom feeling your heart sink so deep with disappointment, not just once, but 4 times.
October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss day. A time to remember and acknowledge the loss and pain that occurs when the G’s and P’s do not align. For those of you who have experienced this loss, I cannot say I know how you feel, for everyone processes loss differently. I can say that I acknowledge that your pain is real and I pray that in your journey you find peace and healing.
I was embarrassed last pregnancy to admit that I was now G11P5 (but ended with P6!). People look at you like you’re nuts.
Thank God that bloody toilet paper isn’t the end of the story for our little ones who go home too soon. I look forward to the day I hold our babes again.
Hello,
I am a certified birth educator and labor doula, and as of April 19, 2011, also a loss mama. In August I launched a new website, one that gives support THROUGH the process of loss, including birth plans for every kind of pregnancy loss, and doulas listed in every state (and internationally!) ready to offer support through the birth process. We doulas also started a private group on Facebook, where we can learn more about each other, gain wisdom, information, and support. It is from this group that I was led to your website and this article, and I want to say “thank you” for your compassion toward pregnancy loss, even before you experienced your own. And, I am so very sorry for your loss. There just is nothing like it.
My next goal is to have business cards available for moms, business cards that say “stillbirthday.com” and can lead the mom to privately learn more about her situation and prepare for as emotionally healing a birth as possible, regardless of the type of pregnancy loss or the medically necessary birth method.
I have a couple of ideas for how to get these business cards distributed, including a contest that is going on right now from the website, but I would certainly love your input, on ways to help more medical professionals see the importance of having not only medically correct terms and explanations, but also compassionate, personal options to provide as much healing and love through the experience as possible.
Blessings,
Heidi Faith
Heidi,
Thank you do much for sharing with us. What a wonderful outreach you are starting. So sorry for your loss as well.
Blessings,
Jessica
I love this post! I still cringe every time I am asked this question…even though I have two children now. And it’s not only the OB/GYN that asks. Every single doctor asks. I went to a podiatrist and they asked. “Really? What does my womb have to do with my feet?” Thank you Dr. Rupe for always being so sensitive. I hate that it’s partly because you’ve also experienced loss. But I know it’s mainly because you are a wonderful physician who cares deeply for her patients and all life and that you are geatly equipt for your calling.
I love the title of this post. I was looking up the G’s and Ps the other day and figured out that I am G4P0130. Pregnant 4 times, no term births, 1 stillbirth and 3 miscarriages. I love hearing how doctors and nurses think and feel when they come across someone like me. Knowing that it does bother you and that it isn’t ‘just another patient’ or just another set of bad news to deliver helps somehow.
Dana, thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry for your losses. I am praying for you and your journey.