A 5 Step Plan to Becoming Slow to Anger

Before kids, I honestly can’t remember a time when I raised my voice out of anger or frustration. Maybe it was the Southern girl that knew anger wasn’t becoming, or maybe it was the good girl that knew anger was not an acceptable emotion {at least for good girls}. Either way, anger was not an emotion that I felt much. If I did, I didn’t let anyone see it.

I dreamed of being the mom who never raised her voice, the one who always responded out of love and kindness, even in the midst of frustration and discipline. Surely I would be that mom that never lost her cool, or that never became frustrated or angry at her children. Motherhood has a tendency to bring it all out onto the table–the good, the bad, and the ugly. The sleep deprivation alone is mind altering in a way that nobody can prepare you for. Adjusting to the daily routines of the constant. . .constant laundry, constant food preparation, the constant chatter, the constant questions, can be difficult. There just doesn’t seem to be enough, enough of me or enough hours in the day.

I’ll be honest..my kids, well…..are kids. They disobey, they are disrespectful, they are sometimes just mean. Despite multiple explanations, instructions, and consistent discipline, I find myself dealing with the same offenses, just different behaviors. My voice is a broken record. Playing over and over. On repeat. Because nobody seems to listen. Sometimes I want to just call somebody to see if they hear my voice, because what seems to be perfectly audible to me doesn’t seem to be heard by little ears. And it can be maddening.

Yep, there I said it. My kids sometimes make me angry. I’m not proud of this fact, and everyday I try to not let it happen. But it surprises me every time. The infraction is often innocuous, but somehow becomes a tipping point. I’ve never physically responded to my children, but my tone of voice is too firm and too loud. I see it in their response and afterwards I’m devastated.

Children are often a mirror of our own struggles. I noticed that my daughter’s tone of voice was demanding of her brothers and often tense. I talked to her about the importance of not just the words that she was saying, but how she was saying them. Then I realized where she learned this tone of voice….OUCH!

No one is there reminding me to watch my tone of voice. No one is telling me to have some quiet time when I just need some peace and quiet. It is up to me to self-regulate. It is up to me to practice self-control. Ironically, these are things that I want my children to learn, and yet I am desperately struggling to manage myself.

Why? Why do I react out of anger and frustration? How do I stop? Lord, help me. There has to be a way. The good news is…there is a way.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. Psalm 145:8

Anytime I am trying to make a lifestyle change, I find that there are 2 vital ingredients needed – a plan and accountability. So I’ve outlined the plan, and I am inviting you hold me accountable. Maybe we should start a support group. We could call ourselves the BSA, “Becoming Slow to Anger” support group.

A 5 Step Plan to Becoming Slow to Anger

1. Recognize your limitations {and theirs too}.

Put limits for the people around the mountain and tell them, ‘Be careful that you do not approach the mountain or touch the foot of it. Exodus 19:12

From the beginning of time, we have had limits. Adam and Eve were limited as to what they could eat in the garden. When we ignore those limitations, there are consequences. When I’m tired or stressed, I’m more likely to be easily angered or frustrated. Sometimes it can be the silliest thing that takes me over the edge, like ‘why can’t anyone find their shoes when we should have been in the car 5 minutes ago?’ If I’m already on the edge, then it will be easy for my kids to take me over it. They are supposed to take off their shoes in the same place every time, but it’s surprising how often shoes are missing. In that moment it’s not about the shoes. It’s about the fact that they aren’t putting their shoes in the mudroom. The literal room exists for this purpose because you know that when it’s time to to be somewhere you don’t have time to be looking for everyone’s shoes. But now we will be late to…oh wait…to one of their activities that we are paying for them to participate in. I’m stressed because we are late, because they didn’t put their shoes where they belong and no one seems to care except for me. But I had reached my limit long before shoes came into the picture.

I have physical triggers–lack of sleep, stress that I have to recognize are limitations for putting me on the edge. There are family triggers as well. When our family over-commits to activities and events, then our stress levels gets high. As a family there are limitations on how much we should do. If I set them up for stress, then someone will fail. You can’t blame the 3 year old for having a melt-down when you force him to skip a nap. Yes, he needs to learn self control, but there is a limit to what he can handle. If we set ourselves and our families up within our limitations, then we set ourselves up to win. When we operate within the confines of our limitations, we experience a greater amount of freedom and joy.

2. Identify your expectations and communicate them.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5

This is critical in parenting. You don’t realize how you have to teach kids EVERYTHING–even how to love. So much of what they do wrong, is merely out of not knowing the right way to do it. We expect when we tell them the right way to do it, that suddenly they will just get it. But if you’ve been a mom for very long, you know this isn’t the case. Kids need repetition. They need to repeatedly see the expectations of love in order to understand it. We don’t take our kids to fancy restaurants at this stage, because we know they aren’t ready for it. However, we do expect that when we sit down to the table for dinner that they will practice their manners and act appropriately. Why do we expect that? Because we have communicated what manners are and we have modeled what they look like. We can’t expect more of our children than they are capable of. It’s important to know our kids, know their limitations, and set realistic expectations for their behavior.

3. Do not discipline your children in anger.

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Psalm 38:1

We want our children to respond to correction with tender hearts. But if we are making our kids angry instead of getting to the heart of the matter, then we are defeating our intentions. When you get down on their level and begin whispering the same words that you would be yelling… suddenly they hear you. It’s a nifty trick that works every time I remember to use it.

5. Extend grace and ask for it when needed.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

It’s important to recognize that anger is a natural emotion. One that must be controlled. Anger in it’s rightful place is righteous. But let’s be honest, there isn’t any room for righteous anger in parenting. Sometimes kids get angry. Their behavior and attitudes wreak of anger and frustration. Instead of responding to their anger with anger, we need to respond with grace. We can’t just say “Don’t be angry” and hope that the issue is settled.We have to validate their feelings, but then help them navigate out of a place of anger to a place of grace. This can only be done if we are operating from a place of grace ourselves.

There are times when despite our best efforts, plans, and accountability, we as parents fail. And when I do, I go to my children and apologize for responding in anger and ask for their forgiveness. I want my kids to know that I make mistakes too. They need to see that even when mommy makes mistakes, she apologizes and tries to make it right. Even when I’ve been angry and on edge, there is nothing more humbling than asking forgiveness for your own sin. The very act of asking forgiveness is the first step to dealing with your own anger and frustration.

We don’t just want our children to behave, we want them to have hearts that want to behave. So we must become slow to anger…

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:20

Join us every day this week for more encouragement to Love Your Kids Like Jesus including A 5 Step Plan to Becoming Slow to Anger, and Four Questions to Ask Your Kids Every Day.

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