Gift-giving is one of my love languages. I absolutely adore receiving thoughtful gifts from friends and loved ones almost as much as I love giving them. To find and present even the smallest trinket that you know will bring a smile to someone’s face or a little happiness to their lives. . .yeah, that’s joy to me.
So it’s no wonder I’m quick to grab all the things my kids seem to love at their very first request.
Sweet treats, glow sticks, kids meal toys, stuffed animals, balloons. . .the list of items we bring into our home for short-term enjoyment is long.
I don’t like to say no. One of the biggest challenges I face as a parent is my permissiveness. I don’t like conflict and I’m a peace-maker. Whatever it takes to bring serenity and joy, I’m all for it.
This seemingly sweet combo of traits has proven toxic in my life as a mom. My desire to bring joy leads to so much chaos when I don’t keep it under control and in check.
This past weekend we gathered with my family in a cabin to relax and connect. Seven adults and four children seemed to be a good mix; the odds in our favor with the small ones outnumbered. But never underestimate the power of three boys plus one girl ages seven and under. They laughed and screamed and danced and wrestled and ran and crafted. They stayed up late and ate way too many treats. For the most part, our time was magical. It was, until one of my children lost it.
My dad and husband worked all afternoon to nurture a strong fire after six hours of torrential rain. By dinner time the flames were thriving. We sat around and chatted fireside while preparing a meal for our last evening in wooded paradise. After our feast of perfectly charcoal-grilled chicken and veggies, we broke out the sticks, marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers and glow sticks. I couldn’t think of a more perfect combination of things to enjoy with my family.
The clouds had cleared and the sky was brilliant. Millions of stars painted above; a display of splendor that we couldn’t help but watch in awe. I was already missing most of the twinkling light show while cleaning up the dinner dishes. I couldn’t wait to join the family by the fire and relax with a glass of wine and my loved ones. Just about the time I was ready to join them, my daughter opened up her glow stick. We bent and cracked and cracked and bent but nothing. No light. Just a plain, white stick with a few pipe cleaners that I’m sorry to tell you, made me say some bad words as I tried to bend them into a butterfly.
And that was it. The next hour was filled with uncontrollable tears and requests to go find a store {out in the middle of nowhere} to replace her faulty glow stick. I tried to understand; to validate her disappointment but then I just got mad. Not only was I missing the enjoyment of the night, so was my child.
Because I’m a mom and this is what we do. . .I was able to finagle that dumb glow stick into a creative toy that made her smile. She eventually sat with me around the fire and may have even looked up from her cheap, dollar store treasure to see the real treasure the covered us. And even though we redeemed the evening and enjoyed a bit of the moment, I couldn’t help but fight back anger. I was angry that my desperate attempts to make life magical for my children with all.the.things this world has to offer often ruins the joy that comes with just being and enjoying every natural pleasure.
It’s not that I think all these things are bad. For the most part, they are simple, fun, childhood pleasures that every kid should enjoy from time to time. But life has gotten way out of balance when every single restaurant you walk in offers children a treat with their meal or an animal balloon upon departure. We’ve cried many tears in our household over deflated balloons. Children expect all the things and when these things fail them, they are left with so much disappointment and loss.
I expressed my frustration on social media that night. I typed through fragile emotions, “No more friends! No more am I willing to try to create cheap, meaningless thrills for my children with all.the.things. We try and try to make every moment fun with stuff. Stuff that ends up robbing us from sweet, natural moments of joy. I’m done. I’m done with the glow sticks and the balloons and all the things we think they need but all end in sadness because they are temporary.”
Days later, as I sit with these feelings, I know it’s unrealistic to think I’ll never crack another glow stick for my children, hoping to see light emerge. I know at some point I’ll secretly pop the deflated balloon puppy they received at the fair. I know I’ll do these things because there is nothing wrong with them. But for my sake and for the growth of my children, I need to find balance. I need to harness my peace-making energy into strategies of simplicity that bring peace to our home.
I have a long way to go, but I’m starting with these three, simple efforts to find balance with all.the.things for our family:
- Start saying no. Even just a little bit. Sometimes, then half the time then most of the time. Eventually, our children will learn these pleasures are truly the exception, not the rule.
- Avoid the ask. As if the food itself weren’t a reason to avoid such establishments, the kid’s meal toys can be. We eat fast-food when we’re on the go or just in the mood for salty fries, but now more than ever, I’m motivated to avoid the drive thru or at least adjust the expectations of my kids before we go. This applies to any restaurant, store or atmosphere that offers treats. I know this will be hard in many situations but the more I begin to say no {#1} the less we’ll have to avoid.
- Manage Expectations. I need to talk about the proper place and priority of material things in our lives. The thoughts and emotions of children revolve around people and things. It’s my job as a mom to help my children begin to understand what is lasting and what is temporary. I can help them prioritize relationships, experiences and possessions, with a goal of giving each the proper place in their lives.
[Tweet “To find balance between life’s little, momentary pleasures and its long-lasting, natural ones is an epic journey every mom is called to take. #motherhood”]
To find the balance between enjoying life’s little, momentary pleasures and its long-lasting, natural ones is an epic journey every mom is called to take. It will look differently for every family and every child, because our personalities and needs are vast. It’s a life-long process that will enrich every moment and make even the littlest, material thing hold more value than it ever could in the midst of too much.
For the sake of our children; for the sake of our sanity, can we remove the clutter to enjoy the life?
Mamas, have you found that all.the.things you try to give our kids to bring joy just make you all miserable? How have you found a balance between generosity, fun and peace-filled, naturally-made memories?
I’m totally with you! I actually do a fairly good job of saying no when I can, but there’s so much “stuff” that comes into my kids’ lives that I have no control over. Stickers or lollipops handed out after a dance class, trinkets picked from a “treasure box” at school for good behavior, and goodie bags galore from birthday parties or other events. It just creates this dynamic where kids expect *something* all the time. Now that my kids are getting older, I’m trying to make a point to teach them a) the value of quality things vs. cheap junk, and b) that they don’t need to rely on toys to entertain themselves as much as they think they do. They’re starting to get it…now when one of their goodie bag treats falls apart after 5 seconds, they’ll say, “That’s because it’s cheap junk, right mom?” LOL.
Alyssa, that last part…awesome. Sounds like they are getting it! Praying you continue to find the balance! Thanks for sharing!
The clutter drives me crazy too! A great system for decluttering is at flylady.net I have used the system off and on for years and it really works. It is uplifting and empowering and even has stuff for kids.