Every Generation Better Than The One Before: Overcoming Toxic Parenting

I had good parents growing up. They weren’t perfect and they had their fair share of baggage but they loved us very well and were good, humble, always willing to admit a mistake and figure it out together kind of people. But I have many friends who dealt with a large variety of issues passed down by their moms and dads that eventually leaked into their own parenting.

No matter how good our parents were or how hard they tried, we’re all dealing with some residual effects of their own upbringing, passed down into ours and so on guaranteeing that one day our great-grandchildren will need extreme counseling sessions.

Because I trust in the power of God and his ability and deep desire to redeem those who follow him, I believe every generation of parents can become better than the one before. But in order to grow we have to admit our need for change and submit to the process.

In his book, Overcoming Toxic Parenting: How to Be a Good Parent When Yours Wasn’t, author Rick Johnson discusses the different types of issues children often inherit from their parents – verbal, physical and sexual abuse, alcoholism, neglect, mental illness – generational cycles that if left unaddressed, pass down from one family to the next. He talks about programmed outcomes, patterns and modeled behavior and how to break generational cycles by doing these two things:

• become educated on what is happening
• find mentors in our lives who can model and teach us what healthy relationships look like

– Overcoming Toxic Parenting, chapter 2

The story of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader might be one of the best examples of toxic parenting in the media. That might be a gross understatement and maybe you think I’m making light of the generational effects of bad parenting but hang with me for a moment.

In Empire Strikes Back, Luke learns that Darth Vader is his father, then confirms the truth with Yoda in Return of the Jedi. After feeling the tension between his innate goodness and the dark side of the force, he discovers why he’s struggling and that he has the power to choose.

Luke: Master Yoda, is Darth Vader really my father?

Yoda: Rest I need. Yes, rest.

Luke: Yoda, I must know. If you know, tell me.

Yoda: Your father, he is. Told you, did he?

Luke: Yes.

Yoda: Unexpected this is. And unfortunate.

Luke: Unfortunate that I know the truth?

Yoda: No! Unfortunate that you rushed to face him, that incomplete was your training. That not ready for the burden were you.  – Return of the Jedi

I’ve always loved the wisdom of Yoda. As Luke’s mentor, he’s not only teaching him how to use a lightsaber, he’s also imparting truth on how Luke can access the power of the force to choose good over evil – much like the process Rick Johnson recommends to break the generational cycle of toxic parenting. But he has to be ready to face the truth and all that comes with it. He cannot rush to rectify the relationship before it is time.

See, it sounds a little hokey but I love a good analogy and I’m married to a Star Wars fan so any time I can impress him with my knowledge I have to give it a shot.

Yoda cautions Luke with this truth, encouraging him to choose strength over anger, fear and aggression – all often residual effects of bad relationships within the home.

Remember, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. But beware: anger, fear, aggression – the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. – Return of the Jedi

I don’t usually get my life-advice from George Lucas films {though I couldn’t pass up this opportunity}. I typically look to the Bible which is full of examples of generational blessings and curses. We have the power to choose which one we carry for our family. We have the power to choose not to pass down everything from serious abuse to simple, bad habits. But we need the help of a community of saints and of mentors who have gone before us.

I love the picture painted through Deuteronomy chapter 6. God is instructing the people of Israel through Moses’ words to choose his ways and his promised blessing for their families. . .

These are the commands, rules and laws of the Lord your God. He told me to teach them to you . . .You, your children and grandchildren must respect the Lord your God. You must do this as long as you live. Obey all his rules and commands I give you. Then you will live a long time. . . Then all will go well for you. . .The Lord, the God of your ancestors, has promised it to you. . .

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength.

Always remember these commands I give you today. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and walk along the road. Talk about them when you lie down and when you get up. Write them down and tie them to your hands as a sign. Tie them on your forehead to remind you. Write them on your doors and gates. Deuteronomy‬ ‭6:1-3, 5, 7-10‬ ‭ICB‬‬

Our choosing not only brings healing for ourselves but for our children and our children’s children. Our choosing determines the destiny of our family and their ability to receive the blessings God has planned for them.

Every generation of parents can become better than the one before with God’s help. If you’re struggling right now to overcome the effects of a childhood of abuse, mental illness, alcoholism or any other form of toxic parenting, I urge you to seek help within your community. Find a mentor or pastor or friend who can help you break the cycle. And check out Rick Johnson’s book, Overcoming Toxic Parenting as a resource for your healing process.

Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord. Psalm 102:18

Friends, are you dealing with residual effects of bad or toxic parenting? What has been your greatest struggle? How can we pray for you this week?

I was given a copy of Overcoming Toxic Parenting in exchange for my review but all opinions are my own. Post sponsored in partnership with Baker Publishing.

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