When Gratitude Turns What We Have Into Enough

She lingers at the dinner table with barely half of her food eaten. “I’m tired,” she exclaims. Nothing new for my energy-filled, never-stops-until-she-crashes 6-year-old. I walk over to examine her plate and put my hand on her head.

Heat.

I grab the thermometer and within seconds I know. Sick. Again.

I look at my husband, dumbfounded. How could she be sick, again? All of my plans for tomorrow will now have to be changed. Schedules rearranged. Friends disappointed. Deadlines unmet.

It’s enough to make a mama mad. And I wonder why I battle anxiety since welcoming these two blessings into my life.

I begged God for my children. No, really. Got down on my knees and cried out to him and promised if he’d let me be a mom I’d be the best.mom.ever. So you can imagine my embarrassment when such trivial, real-life issues rattle me to the core. How on earth could a woman who pleaded to be a mother be bothered by such a thing as little as a sick child and rearranged day?!

I ask myself that question almost daily. It’s my own kind of mom guilt. Guilt that remembers how badly I wanted what I have. Guilt that knows some women who long for children don’t always get them. Guilt that feels so undeserving of the blessings I hold in my arms each day {however germ ridden they are}.

This combination of anxiety and mom guilt often leads me to explosion – like a junior high science project gone bad. I tried my very best to hold it all in tonight at the discovery of my girl’s illness. But at some point all the bottled up emotion and disappointment and overwhelming anxiety will come out. Unless. . .

Last weekend when Kristy and I were traveling together, we talked about November plans and thanksgiving and motherhood. She shared that as she thought about the upcoming season of gratitude one word kept coming to her mind.

Delight.

Delight. Enjoyment, contentment, joy, satisfaction, pleasure. Oh how I want to feel these emotions for my precious children daily. I felt it to overwhelming proportions when I carried them in my womb and after they were born. But then we settled in and life happened. Motherhood happened. It got real and I got weary.

And now they occasionally get the warmth of my delight in them but most of the time, they get whatever little pleasure I can muster at the end of a hard day. There are no guarantees in motherhood. There are no solid plans. . .no solace. . .no easy paths. It’s just hard work. All.the.time. Most days motherhood feels nothing like delight and everything like the hardest, most thankless job I’ve ever done.

I have a canvas on my mantle year round that I’ve referenced here a time or two before. It says,

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Gratitude turns what we have into enough.

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And I believe this simple truth. I’ve always taken it to mean a heart of thanks for what we have will help us to see it’s value. But this week it’s meant more to me than that. It’s been a reminder that a heart of gratitude takes our emotional, psychological, motherhood lack and turns it into exactly what our children need.

Because when thanksgiving takes over our weary hearts, even a tiny glimpse of pleasure can turn into an overwhelming, life-giving rush of delight. It’s hard to remember this in the moment. . .when they are sick again or throwing another fit, slamming their bedroom door or needing another meal {why is it that they need to eat all.the.time?!}. But then my 3 year old looks at me with his food stained shirt and runny nose and proclaims again, “I love you mommy.” And those moments. . .those are the ones, when mixed with gratitude, can carry us through the hard days and turn our weariness into great delight.

[bctt tweet=”When #thanksgiving takes over our weary hearts, even a tiny glimpse of pleasure can turn into an overwhelming, life-giving rush of delight. #gratitude” username=”graceformoms”]

And that delight. . .it fuels us for the next hard moment. Last night before we sat down to dinner my daughter asked if we could take her baby on a walk down the path across our street. It was cold and I had so much to do but I welcomed the time alone with her. We got her baby all bundled up in the doll stroller and headed out. As we walked, we talked about school and friends and Christmas. I truly experienced delight as she talked with me like an adult, telling stories and asking questions. We were only outside 15 minutes but it was an emotional deposit for both of us. Later, when the next few days fell apart at the realization she was sick, I felt so much grace and delight rather than the deep level of stress I would have normally felt.

Delight. My children deserve to be delighted in. They deserve to see my pleasure, even in the midst of the hard moments. They deserve to experience an exchange of delight that will plant happy memories in their souls for years to come. There is grace for the moments where delight is missed or overlooked due to my weakness and humanity but I want those moments to be the exception. I don’t want to bottle up emotion and disappointment and overwhelming anxiety that will come out in anger and frustration. I want to overcome this mom guilt that accuses me of being unworthy and weakens my strength as a mom. I want to store up moments of delight that will turn my heart towards gratitude and express the love and pleasure I truly feel for my children, despite momentary inconveniences and stresses.

When gratitude turns what we have {our unique experience, personality, tendencies, humanity} into enough, we can once again experience the great delight that came with the anticipation and newness of motherhood. And when our children feel our pleasure, they will thrive within the haven of our love.

Do you struggle to delight in your children? How can you allow gratitude to turn your lack into deep pleasure?