Motherhood and Mental Illness

Last week a missions team from Sydney spent the week with our church to serve us and help us run some evangelistic events. One of those events was for mothers called “The Joys of Motherhood”. It consisted of a panel, three from our church, two from the missions team plus a speaker. I was humbled and privileged to be asked to be a panelist, representing young mothers in the trenches of raising littles.

Leading up to the event, I felt both excited and conflicted. I felt conflicted because there are so many other amazing mothers at church with young children. One of my friends has four children and another has three {with one adopted}. I have been a mother a mere two years, with two under my belt {and likely only two, unless God brings an adopted child into our quiver}. So often, I feel incredibly inadequate, confused and overwhelmed in my day-to-day mothering so I couldn’t imagine that I had many “pearls of wisdom” to offer. But for some reason, several people thought I had something to offer and I am grateful for their confidence in me and God’s kindness in my weakness.

The few nights leading up to the event, with questions now in hand, I wracked my brain wondering what on earth I could say. There were general questions as well as questions specific to my stage in life. What could I say that would encourage other mothers? What could I say that might show God’s reality in my life as a mother to any there who did not know Him? The night before, I still hadn’t decided on my answers so I offered my words up to God.

I woke up the next morning at peace. I knew what God wanted me to share. There are many things I could have shared about motherhood because so much happens from the day you become one. But what is unique to me? What is my story in motherhood that I know well, from the heart, that I could be honest about and share to unite other mother-hearts with similar journeys?

One of the questions I received was “what didn’t I expect about motherhood”? I could only answer with complete honesty. I didn’t expect to be a mother with a form of mental illness.

I should have had a clue this is what I’d be led to talk about as mental illness been a “friend” of mine since my mid-to-late teens. Unfortunately, I never knew that was what it was. I didn’t even know it was something. It was just…me. It was only until I fell into one of my deep pits after the birth of my son Josiah that my doctor, who had seen it in me since the separation of my parents, kindly let me know that I have a cyclical anxiety disorder and that I would be okay.

It took me awhile to accept that this was true. But once medication started working and I could actually think with conscious action, I looked back on my life since my anxiety began and I could see this was true. Several major events triggered difficult episodes and in between there were various episodes to lesser degrees.

Extreme anxiety, inability to think clearly, dark thoughts {both spontaneous and conscious}, tense muscles, emotional highs and lows, perpetual fear of the future, a foreboding that couldn’t be explained, insecurities blown beyond proportion, irrational, stuck inside the mind.

This is, in general terms, what I am like when I am in one of my episodes. It’s a horribly dark place to be and, though not full-blown, is on the periphery of mild depression. And just like most forms of clinical depression, it is something beyond my control. Something clicks or “comes over” me, and for several months, inexplicable anxiety is the state I am in.

Motherhood is difficult on it’s own and no-one who is a mother can dispute that. But only mothers who struggle with mental illness {and any sort of illness} can attest to how incredibly hard it is to be the mother you know you want to be when you can barely function as a person.

When I spoke at our “The Joys of Motherhood” event, I knew one or two women who struggle with something similar. I can empathize with their story and their courage. But I also knew that there were probably more women in the room that were like me before I was diagnosed – those low feelings, that anxiety, the uncontrollable fear, thinking this isn’t just me? There could be more to this?

It’s hard being vulnerable to a group of women about something quite unknown and stigmatized. But it is also empowering: it helps me own my illness and it helps me give encouragement to any women who might not know, or who might be hiding, in a place of loneliness and fear.

I am by no means an expert in mental health. And I haven’t experienced full-blown depression, whether clinical or experiential. I do however, have a cyclical anxiety disorder. This basically means that something within my brain changes – hormones, chemical balance, cortisol {etc} – and I become highly emotional and anxious.

It isn’t something I can make go away. It passes naturally within a few months. In one day it can “come over” me and as easily in one day can “lift off” me. It’s unexplainable. But, I promise you, dear friends who may be experiencing something similar, it can be managed.

Here are some thoughts to help you if you are struggling with anxiety or depression. . .

1. Seek medical help.

I cannot emphasize this enough. In many Christian circles, the medical world is often derided or rebelled against or only sought as a last resort. In my experience, seeking the advice of one or two wise, kind and knowledgeable doctors is essential to managing anxiety.

It is essential to determine what exactly is going on in our brains. Depression/anxiety is not merely a spiritual issue {though it is part of it, I believe}. Just as our brain {and body, for that matter} fails in other ways so it does when it comes to how our moods are effected.

When I finally sought my doctor after Josiah was born, he recommended medication. He said to me, “You have been through this before and I know that you can get through it. But because you are so tired and so new to being a mother, let us try some anti-depressents to help give you the kick start you need.” And he was so right. The moment my medication started working, it was like someone physically pulled me out of a dark pit and set my thinking-feet on solid ground. I felt me again.

Just beware that sometimes you may not get along well with the initial medication you are put on. Trust your instincts and your doctor and work together to find what’s right for you.

2. Be open and get support.

For me, during that dark post-partum time, my husband, parents, in-law’s and brother were the people who got me through. Both my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had suffered through post-partum depression and knew that I couldn’t just “pull my socks up” and get better. My mother-in-law let me ring her {from out of town} any time of day or night so that I could cry and ask questions about how to care for Josiah. She helped me feel normal. My sister-in-law gave me words at times that I just needed it, like reminding me, “Things will get better.” My mother prayed amazing prayers over me and let me visit her at her work even when a snow storm was on it’s way and Josiah was grumpy, all so I could see someone and have company and get some prayer. And my father and brother came round to keep me company, even if it was in silence, so I wasn’t alone.

It is so essential, dear friend, to know you have people who love you and care for you. They may not always understand, but they will try. Allow them to make mistakes too, even if you feel you can’t bear mistakes at this present time. They’re trying their best and if they have never experienced mental illness in some form, they can’t understand why you can’t make yourself better.

3. Understand the importance of your thoughts.

God made our brains to have incredible power over our bodies. We don’t realize how much control our own thoughts have over our minds, our moods, our heart condition, our physical well-being. It is vital to start claiming autonomy over your thoughts rather than allowing those arrow-thoughts to break you down and send you spiraling into a deeper pit.

I am not saying that this is all in your head. It isn’t. And until you seek intervention, there is very little one can do to break the cycle of anxiety/lowness. I remember my husband saying to me, in loving frustration {because he couldn’t understand}, “Just think about something else.” But I couldn’t. Once my treatment plan began to work, I could actually think – for myself! And this is when you need to start focusing on what thoughts you are listening to.

Don’t you know what most of your unhappiness in life is because you are listening to yourself instead of speaking to yourself? Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression.

4. Seek God’s Word for hope and for help.

There is nothing like the comfort of a scripture that speaks to your soul when you are feeling your very worst.

 Get the eyes of your mind and heart on God, not on yourself, He is your helper.

He lifted me up out of the pit of despair, out of the miry clay, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

He will rescue you and place you on firm ground, you will be stable again.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions they fail not; they are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness.”Lamentations 3:22-23

 You won’t be consumed by this, God is keeping you and is faithful.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become in despair within me? Hope in God, for I will yet praise him, the help of my countenance and my God.” Psalm 41:11

Recognize your state and feelings, speak to them and turn them towards God.

5. Pray.

Let whatever is on your heart and mind fall from your lips like tears to your Father in heaven who is right there. Jesus is praying for you, right where you are, do you know that?

He is able to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them. Hebrews 7:25

If you doubt that God cares or that He is listening or that He can possibly understand where you are, read about Jesus in the Garden and think about his agony, his pain, his mental state so desperate that he wept blood. Jesus knows what it was like, and he still chose his fate. He died for your condition. There were countless times where I just got through dinner time, a night feeding, a church service only because of the grace of God and my continual conversation of need to him. Speak out your heart in every moment, even if it is a mental cry of “Help me!” He will hear you and help you.

There are many other things that I could suggest to help you get through, but these are the essential forms of grace that God gave me on my journey. I am currently going through a mild episode of anxiety and these five ways are solid stepping stones for my recovery.

Let me finish here with a small prayer, for you and I, as we press into God for help and recovery:

Father God, thank you that you made me. Thank you that you know me and nothing that is going on in me right now is hidden from you. Thank you that my inner darkness and turmoil right now is like an open book before you and that I need not speak a word about it because you already know. But help me speak it to you, Lord, so you can help direct my heart and thoughts back towards you – the Rock that is higher than I. Lift me up, rescue me from this desolate pit. Put my feet on solid ground, level my emotions and help me be able to think clearly. Help me speak your truth to myself and fight doubts and lies and believe in hope for myself. Love me and keep me close to you Lord, safe because of Jesus.  Amen.

Are you struggling with mental illness in the midst of motherhood? How can we pray for you today?

Sarah Behan

Sarah is a wife and mother from Christchurch, New Zealand. She loves the Lord and is passionate about encouraging other women to embrace the calling of home in their lives. She loves drinking tea, reading lots of books, being with her little people, watching TV shows with my husband, and tapping away at her blog, The Life of This Mother, when she can find the chance.