When I see moms at their 6 week postpartum visit I discuss resuming sexual activity. As I broach this topic, I am greeted by a variety of responses, as different as the women themselves. Some laugh and say they have already resumed activities and all is good. More often, they give me a blank stare that says, “Are you kidding? I haven’t slept in weeks. I am constantly coated in spit up and you want me to think about nookie?” Whatever their initial attitude, I know that statistically by 3 months postpartum 90% of women have resumed sexual activity.
After you are fully healed and resume activity there is still a transitional time until things return to your new normal. Notice I said ‘new normal,’ because after children everything is different. Not necessarily worse or better, just different. If you keep waiting for your love life to be exactly how it was before the baby, you need to adjust your ‘sex-pectations.’
Before you resume intercourse, it is important to be cleared by your doctor that all is good ‘down there’. If you resume activity before you are fully healed it can prolong the healing process.
Will sex hurt after having a baby? If so, for how long?
This depends on the type of delivery. Most women experience some discomfort for 3-6 months. A vaginal delivery with no tears and a cesarean section without labor usually have the least pain. More severe vaginal lacerations often take the longest to fully recover, up to 6 months.
The most common types of pain are burning with insertion and sharp pain with deep thrust. The pain should get better with time and practice. Regularly using a water based vaginal lubricant during the postpartum period is a must. If deep pain is an issue, trying positions were the woman controls the depth of penetration is key.
While breastfeeding, the body’s estrogen levels are low, leading to vaginal dryness and decreased lubrication for a lot of women. If you continue to have pain and dryness despite lubricant, see your physician. A small amount of estrogen vaginal cream can be prescribed to help restore your hormonal balance and improve lubrication.
When will I get my ‘groove’ back?
The most common sexual issue that women have postpartum is a lack of desire. The incidence of low libido at 6 months postpartum is 44%. However, only 10% reported being bothered by their lack of desire. For a lot of women, just knowing that it’s normal to not feel like swinging from the chandeliers when they are 6 months postpartum, is reassuring.
Usually after the first couple of encounters the pain will decrease and you should enjoy lovemaking again. If you enjoy sex when you have it and it doesn’t hurt, that’s a great start. It’s OK that you don’t necessarily spend all day thinking about it.
Attempt to set aside a scheduled day and time for intimacy. Notice I said ‘intimacy’ and not just sex. For women, it is important to have time to connect with her partner, to help her feel more amorous. And for any guys reading this: helping with the laundry and letting the new mom take a nap is the BEST form of foreplay.
OK. It’s been 6 months and things STILL aren’t good. What’s next?
If at six months you are still having pain or not enjoying sexual intimacy then it is time to see your doctor.
Depression. If in addition to lack of sexual desire, you are also not enjoying any other hobbies, are feeling down and having crying spells, this could be a sign of postpartum depression. Talk about these feelings with your doctor.
Medications. Certain medications that treat high blood pressure, depression and contraceptives can affect sex drive. If you are on medications, do not discontinue abruptly but instead talk to your doctor to determine if these could be affecting your libido. If so, request a change to an alternative treatment.
Fear of pregnancy. When you have been up all night with a colicky newborn, if you do start to feel a little amorous, the thought of getting pregnant again can sometimes be enough to nix any ‘vavoom’ that you had percolating. Women often fear contraceptives might effect their breastfeeding, but there are multiple options that are both safe and effective.
While it’s normal to not feel super sexy in the postpartum phase, things will get better. Most women are back in the swing of things by about 3 months, but if you continue to experience pain and lack of sexual enjoyment at 6 months, follow up with your doctor for help.
At the risk of opening up an extremely personal discussion, we’d like to know your postpartum sexual experience. Maybe hearing from other moms will make women feel less alone with their issues. Let’s start the conversation but please. . .no over-sharing!
Dr. Heather Rupe
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6 months postpartum and I have no desire what so ever first child vaginal birth we were fine after that second child c-section and I just can’t I feel like I’m loose and have semi no sensation my partner doesn’t understand and told me tonight out sex life is shit I’m devastated HELP
I had my first angel vaginally (she passed away@4mo.) then the second was emergency c section(gave her up for adoption so depression is definitely a huge factor for me) now me and my husband have a terrible relationship because nothing and i literally mean NOTHING excites me. Not one single thing and having sex doesnt do me any better .. Im worried about us because he feels so insecure now from it he does so much to try and please me whether its sexually or not… I love him desperately but i don’t know what to do.
Immediate change and feel. And I’ve always been tight even after having 2 children, I always do kegal exercises and have been doing those since I had my first child. I can’t say as I feel unattractive but after using myotaut serum. I feel more attractive and even tighter than before. It’s perfect and does not leave a mess nor does it burn. It’s great!
At first around 2months post partum it was sore and painful now i realized i cant feel anything inside completley normal birth and this is baby number 4. Im not sure why this is happening i didnt have this problem with my previous three.
Recently after having a normal delivery I was very worried about my vagina then my friend told me about dermalmd vagina tightening serum and I decided to try this serum. I used it for about 4 weeks and it works i felt abit tighter. It’s really gentle in my opinion and very safe. However You need patience and consistent use to have a perfect result.
Hi, I am almost 4 months postpartum, I was tight the first few times then after that everything was back to normal. Then starting 2 weeks ago it hurts to have sex not the whole time but by the end it makes me want to stop, right at the back of the opening, it even hurts to wipe or sit for a couple of days after. I had 2 stitches one at the front of my vigina and on on my hymen. Could the pain be from my tear, and is there anything I can do? I’m confused as to why it didn’t start until 3 months postpartum. Does this sound normal? It feels like something is being rubbed right at the back of the opening.
I am 8 weeks pp, I am breastfeeding a lot, I want to have sex but it hurts too much, I have vulva vestibulitis so use a special topical cream for that and I was prescribed an estrogen based cream that I haven’t tried because I heard it can affect milk supply. I’m hoping time will heal it.
I’m 6 months since I’ve given birth but I can still feel my stitches and that makes me nervous to even try having sex with my partner. Help
It is helpful to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I am 3 months postpartum with my second baby, my first will be 2 in April. I’m breastfeeding and have NO sexual desire. I feel discomfort down there as if something were falling out. My doctor said everything felt fine in there but I know what I’m feeling and I feel something is out of place. I’m so afraid of sex and think I need more time to heal, my husband doesn’t understand and gets frustrated with me. I don’t know what to do, I feel crazy!
I would recommend myotaut serum to anyone needing a little help. After i had three kids i felt like i was a little looser down there. So i tried finally ordered myotaut vagina tightening serum and tried it last night and the results were awesome. I felt a lot tighter and my confidence in that gave me complete satisfaction.
I had loose vagina lips and i know how important it is to have a tighter vagina. Then my sis suggested me myotaut. I just wish it wasn’t so much money for such a small bottle. But that’s what you get with pure romance. i used myotaut serum for 3 days and now i have no complaints from my hubby. Their products are really worth it.. Works really good! 3 thumbs up.
My son is nearly 13 months now and im lying in bed after a very awkward ‘session’ with my husband. After 13 months I still cringe when he goes to put it in and the first minute is always trying to find the angle where it doesn’t hurt. Finally tonight we found the angle to do his favourite position which he’s missed a lot, and as he got faster and deeper, there was such a strange feeling inside, that by the end, before he was even out, i burst out crying. Im still breastfeeding and i did have a check up with a gynecologist but she didn’t really take it seriously. My husband said at the end that I’m making him start to hate sex, and that’s heartbreaking to hear as his libido is very high. Will it ever get pain-free again? 🙁
Hi Mary! Just curious how you’re doing now. I just replied to another comment on this post, but essentially I am 11 months post partum and your experience sounds similar to me. It’s so painful to start, but gets a little better as we go. Hoping it gets back to something resembling normal eventually. :/
We tried intercourse for the second time at 14 weeks post partum. We used lots of lubricant but there was still substantial pain. I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with no tears, but I was in active labour for 12 hours with 45 mins of pushing. Reading this has been reassuring and hopefully we can slowly work up to something decent again.
Just want to say thanks for the laugh you are creatively correct!…this is just what I needed to read…thank you
I’m 9 weeks post partum with me 2nd baby (both sections). 1st baby was a breeze. This one I’m breastfeeding. Attempted to have sex twice. First time failed, second time was quite painful. Is this normal? And could it be from breastfeeding? Feeling upset
My daughter will be 11 months next week and I still have no interest in sex, I want to make my husband happy but cringe at ghd idea of sex. Im too scared yo go to ghe doctors incase they say I’m wasting there time or worse they say it’s pnd, the idea of being told I’m depressed and being given meds makes me want to cry.
I was put on xanax for Anxiety and to help me sleep. In the hopes that more sleep would make me feel better and increase energy. ironically enough one of the side effects is a lowered sex drive. It helps with the sleep but nothing is helping the sex drive. I also cringe at the though of having sex, though I try my best to keep my husband happy. I think it’s perfectly normal. I know a lot of women that have the exact same issues. I think it just takes time. It’s frustrating though. I wish I had more help, just know that you’re not alone 🙂
Thank you just to know im not the only person struggling with this really helps x
I’m curious how you’re doing now, Polly. I’m 11 months post partum and have very little interest or drive. It’s partly because I’m still having a lot of pain and, bc of that we’ve only done it a handful of times since our LO arrived. I even bleed a tiny bit after we do it. I was started on Zoloft for PPD months ago but had to stop due to side effects to myself and baby (should note that I’m still breastfeeding and haven’t had a period yet). I’m hoping it’s just low estrogen and things will improve when we’re done breastfeeding. :/ I do have a doctor’s appointment scheduled so fingers crossed it goes well.
BUT. I saw this post and wondered, over a year later, how you’re doing!
I am 4 months post partum, at 8 weeks I became intimate again and everything seemed better than before I was pregnant. Then a few weeks went by and everything became numb and other times painful
Like my partner thickened down there. I’m getting the depo shot, I have an intimate interest but thinking of the pain really puts me off. Also, since birth I’ve gotten back to my pre pregnancy body at about 3 weeks and my partner WILL NOT participate in any foreplay, which helped a lot in the bedroom before I gave birth. Please help I’m feeling used because I get no enjoyment.
I am 7 months PP and have absolutely NO sex drive. It is no longer painful, I just have no desire. I barely even “feel” anything. Most of the time I have an aversion to it and feel almost “violated”. It has only been pleasurable once in this time frame and even then it was “annoying”. It seems like I just have to grin and bear it until he’s finished. I want to want to have sex. I had a low sex drive before I got pregnant, but at least found pleasure in it. I had a Lin Lenore followed by cesarean. I have seen a doc about PPD and am currently on Xanax. This seemed to help my mood a little but I still have no sex drive. My husband doesn’t seem to understand my low desire and gets mad at me when I turn him down and when I do give in he gets mad at my lack of interest during. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I have read says 3 months, this and breast feeding that….I am not breast feeding and my periods are normal. I am at a loss!!
Glad I’m not the only one making my husband mad. He wants to know what’s wrong with me and am I ever going to want to have sex. I hate giving in because it just feels like I’m laying there while he’s doing his thing.
As a husband I can offer insight on what I have experienced. We are 8 weeks PP. We hadn’t been intimate since a month before the birth. As a guy it would be nice for my wife to at least try to understand that after 3 months ANY kind of intimacy would be nice. I have now been told pretty much to not even touch her at all in bed (even in a non-sexual way).
BTW, I am the husband who does help with laundry, cleaning the house, dishes, etc. I work full time and come home and help with the kids as much as I can. I am not a jerk who demands sex with his wife no matter what and whenever I want it. I am just a husband who would like a little understanding that it has been 3 months and maybe a LITTLE bit of affection (and yes I know it isn’t even CLOSE to the top of her “wanted” list) would be really appreciated and nice.
I know this post was from months ago, but from a women’s perspective, maybe asking her how she wants you to show her you love her– what expression of love IS she comfortable with. My husband had to do this with me and I realized we had deeper issues than just physical intimacy when I didn’t know how to answer that. But it is a great question and great way to start connecting. Hope things have gotten better! Blessings!!!
Andrew, I am right there with you. We are currently 8.5 months pp with our second child and there is no intimacy whatsoever. I am trying my very best to give her space and also help out around the house and participate in every way with the kids. A kiss in the morning, a kiss hello after work, and a kiss goodnight is about the extent of it unless I go for an extra kiss or hug and I just feel like I’m annoying her at that point. Trying to patiently wait for our son to finish up with breastfeeding to see if that helps her get back to a normal level of desire but I fear it’s deeper than that. She’s also not rally the type do talk about this kind of thing unless I pry it out of her which is also not good. Idk what to do really. Hope things have gotten better with your situation since its been a year.
Hi, my baby is now two! Doctors don’t seem to want to help cuz me and my other half have been finding things difficult in all areas since the little one arrived. I just find intimate touch itself so difficult let alone sex! I have no desire and don’t know how to get it. I have gone off it all! I had to have an op. A year after the birth cuz of something to do with scar tissue down there, so we actually couldn’t do it for a year… What now?
I have the opposite problem… I’m itching to have sex regularly and my partner straight up told me that even though he loves me and finds me beautiful he just feels too lazy (exact words) he does have a full time job but I’m the one staying home taking care of baby… We used to have sex daily now it’s once even 2-4 weeks if I’m lucky.
I am just about 4 months post partum and we have tried a few times but have never been successful. It hurts really bad when we try and get it in…I almost feel like I can feel the incision from my episiotomy and on the inside it just hurts. It also feels like I’m pulling my groin every time I try and spread my legs. I have read that it’s normal for scar tissue to hurt but it is so uncomfortable that we just stop. At 6 weeks my doctor said I had healed nicely. I am thinking it could be because of what I went through it is just taking me a bit longer to heal? I had a pretty traumatic labour experience with the vacuume being used. It was very painful for me and I remember it vividly. I had a row of stitches internally from it and a couple externally. Is this normal?
I’m almost three months post partum and I’m experiencing the same thing with the exception of the pulled groin sensation. It’s nice to know I’m not alone! As it hurts I start to remember the traumatic labor with vacuum too and I usually end up crying. It’s so frustrating and depressing because you want to be intimate but your body won’t let you!
I also have had cervical displaisia after my 3 year old son was born and had it frozen of but my midwife says it isnt back so I really don’t understand the pain I’m feeling…
My baby is three months old and I am pretty much having the same problem as Anna except I am hearting really bad when it goes in all the way should I be concerned also???
I am 9 months postpartum and breastfeeding. I labored all the way but ended with a C section. It is still very painful to have sex. I am interested in intimacy but it hurts when we do. I saw my doctor at 4 months ppd and she suggested it could hurt as long as I breastfeed. Should I be more concerned?
I’m 5 months postpartum and we’ve had sex three times since the birth. The burning pain is so excrutiating that we have to stop. We’ve tried different positions and lots of KY but the pain is immediate upon entering and feels like I’m getting a rug burn inside. I am breast feeding and I have no desire for any type of sexual activity. I had discomfort and pain after having my first child but it was bearable. After my second child the sex is unbearable. When I was pregnant with my second, my midwife couldnt even go all the way in to give me a stretch and sweep because it was too painful…then in labour she couldnt check my cervix because it was too painful and tight. Help!
Your symptoms are not normal, you should see a physician.
My pain isn’t wear my stitches were. I was told I had a second degree tear. I saw my doctor this week and she said everything healed nicely. My partner could barely get in because I had sharp pains but not in the perineal area.. Is that normal? And will it get better?!
Everyone heals on their own time line. When my patients have pain at 6 weeks, I recommend they wait 2 more weeks and then try again, making sure they use adequate lubrication. If they still have pain at that point I have them come back in the office to reexamine them.
This really helped a lot! (:
I am concerned about the pain part though. Our daughter will be two months old in ten days and the day after my six week checkup we had sex for the first time. We’ve done it only four times since then and each time the initial start is more painful then the time before it was. Is that normal at all because it really sucks.
If pain lasts greater than six months or is progressively worsening then you should see your provider
Not gonna lie: I was wondering about this. Thanks!
you are welcome!
Curious I’m a breastfeeding mom and 7 months after baby I’m still not the same not much sensation down there anymore and barely feel it down there I’m lucky if I can even go now??
My goodness I am exactly the same but I can’t find anything on it anywhere. It’s extremely frustrating I feel like I shouldn’t be bothered trying for me any more and just focus on him… 😢
It all is so helpful knowing you aren’t alone. I had a pretty bad tear and truly feared if I’d ever even have a “new normal” at all! And it was really nothing to worry about. A little patience and lubrication go a long way. Thanks for being so willing to blog about the “embarrassing” stuff 🙂 After the initial fear of intimacy I lived in daily fear of pregnancy. The whole no period thing is still odd to get used too after 3 years of “charting”. But the Lord is in control!
Hi, A few weeks ago I was with a man who told me…”you have strong but loose”…I reply, what do you mean?…and he say…”the smell on your vagina is very strong and is very attractive to me”…and the viginal lips are some what loose. He asked me to correct that… I replied him like “Please give the solution for that”. He told about the dermalmd tightening serum. He told that very confident because he experienced with many womens using that serum. So I bought and started to use. I love that smell and its gave me quick result and I thank to him personally… u know what?????? smile emoticon lol.