As an OB/GYN, I see women who experience decreased libido on a daily basis. Most think they are alone in this issue, but the truth is it’s extremely common. In a recent study of married women, 40% reported low sex drives and 13% reported no sex drive at all. In our hypersexual society, where the media portrays unrealistic expectations of women and sex, it is helpful to understand what is normal. In part 1 of this post, I discussed normal sexuality and the common medical, hormonal and physical causes of decreased libido. If you suffer from decreased libido see your physician to confirm everything is physically healthy, then try these hints to help recharge your relationship and libido.
Love Your Husband
Love is an action. A daily decision. The butterflies and ‘warm fuzzies’ are not as plentiful 10 years into marriage as they were in courtship. Some of you may not have felt them in years. Before we talk about sex, let’s take a step back and talk about rekindling your love.
Life. Kids. Work. Church. Exercise. Friends. With so many priorities being juggled, even the most well intentioned couples can find their relationship slipping to the back burner. Do you do little things on a daily basis to show him that he’s loved? Or has your relationship found itself behind soccer practice and swim lessons on the priority list?
Do you know his love languages? What makes him feel special? Not his love language from 15 years ago when you went to premarital counseling, you’ve both changed a lot since then.
As you daily begin to think of ways to love him (outside the bedroom), he will likely reciprocate. Feeling loved and cherished often has the byproduct of making you feel amorous. Making the effort to reconnect emotionally, can improve all areas of your relationship.
Brook Faught, Nurse Practioner at the Women’s Institute of Sexual Health instructs her patients that their relationship is a living organism. What would happen if you didn’t feed your children? They would starve. Same goes for your relationship. If you don’t feed your relationship, your intimacy will starve.
Have a Scheduled Date Night
Recently as I was interviewing a patient for decreased libido, when I asked how often she was having sex she replied, “Every 6 months or so.”
My response,”How can you even remember if you like it or not, if you haven’t done it in 6 months?”
Especially for those of you who have sex very infrequently, this is my primary recommendation: Just DO it. You can start with the goal of being average: having sex once a week. This takes some tension off your relationship, gets you ‘back in the habit’ and gives you a sense of anticipation.
Many women with decreased libido, find their lack of desire places a strain on their relationship. Having a specific day each week that you set aside to make love, helps resolve the nightly “will we or won’t we” tension. It also gives you both something to look forward to.
This should not merely be setting aside 15 minutes for sex, but a true evening to connect and spend time together. If possible get a sitter and have a true date night, but if that’s not feasible, put the kids down a little early and don’t turn on the TV. Focus on really talking (not just about the kids). Relax, dream and laugh together.
This needs to be a protected time. Literally put it on the calendar. Not the actual word ‘sex,’ in case someone else sees your outlook calendar. Think up a fun secret code like “pineapple” or some other silly phrase that can be your own inside joke.
Enhance Your Sexual Response
If you are one of the 10% of women who don’t experience orgasms, it’s time to remedy that. Sex is a gift from God meant to be fully enjoyed by both partners. If you enjoy having sex, you are likely going to want to do it more.
Christian women can have a lot of hang ups about sex. If it’s leftover guilt from previous relationships or abuse, please seek out a licensed counselor to help you work through your past. Perhaps you have what I call ‘Good Girl Syndrome,’ being told your whole life that sex is bad, then walking down the aisle and finding yourself suddenly expected to be a sexual being. Some women don’t even understand the basics of sexual physiology. Often the full extent of a woman’s sex education is, “Don’t do it till you are married.” I have met college educated women who don’t know how to find their clitoris and think pee comes out their vagina.
Here are a few resources for women to better understand their sexual response and improve sexual function:
For women who have difficulty achieving orgasm with intercourse, the book “The Way to Love Your Wife” has been recommended as an excellent resource for you and your husband.
I do not recommend taking any herbal supplements to enhance libido, unless cleared by your provider. However, the personal lubricant Zestra has been shown in a small randomized trial to enhance women’s sexual response. I do recommend my patients to try it, especially if they also have vaginal dryness.
Read Romantic Literature
A woman’s largest sex organ sits between her two ears. Reading about romantic interludes does much more for a woman’s libido than looking at a romantic encounter on film. Reading about romance gets you thinking about intimacy, when your thoughts were previously filled with grocery lists and work deadlines. I am not suggesting that you start reading pornography or graphic romance novels. However, there is a lot of romantic literature available that can help you appropriately escape the mundane and get you thinking about ‘pineapple night’.
- Romeo and Juliet
- Gone with The Wind
- Jane Eyre
- Time Travelers Wife
- Anything by Nicholas Sparks
Get a Room
Get away from life/ kids/stress. If you can afford it, get really far away like the beach, Paris or Italy. If you can’t afford a vacation, at least eat at Olive Garden and stay at the Motel 6 and PRETEND you are in Rome. If you really can’t find anyone to watch your kids, have sex in the guest room. If you don’t have a guest room, then do it in the closet! In other words, change your scenery.
Mary Margaret Johnson, LMFT recommends the following formula for spending time together as a couple:
- 15 minutes a day
- one date a week
- one day a month
- one weekend a quarter
- one week a year
Mix up the Sexual Routine
Sex, like all other areas of your life, can get stuck in a rut. Buy a book on sexual positions and open a page at random and try it. Yes, you may end up laughing through the whole encounter or spraining something, but you’ve tried something new. You’ve made a memory and who knows, you might find a position you like.
Mixing things up doesn’t mean being kinky or making either of you uncomfortable. You can experiment with different clothing fabrics, buy some candles or arrange a special “lunch date.”
Flirt
Think about your husband. Remember what your largest sex organ is? Yes, your brain. Reminisce about an enjoyable encounter you have had together in the past. Think about what you are going to do in Rome or at least at the Motel Six or in the closet, this weekend. Leave a playful note or text “Can’t wait for some ‘pineapple’ this weekend”. (Code words are also helpful in case you text the wrong person.)
Take Care of Yourself
A woman’s body image is very closely tied to her sexuality. In a society that continuously glorifies unrealistic ideals of the female body, it is not surprising that so many women feel inadequate and unsexy. Activities that make you feel better about yourself often have a positive effect on your libido.
Exercise reduces both stress and fatigue and helps you feel and look better. It does wonders for your body image. Studies have shown a significant improvement in libido when women start regular exercise programs.
Buy something that makes you feel beautiful and sexy, whether it’s a new outfit or lingerie. Do something that makes you feel more confident. Get a manicure, a spray tan or your hair highlighted. Yes, I just said that shopping is good for your sex life.
Seasons of Life
I recently saw a patient complaining of decreased libido. After obtaining full history, I learned that her mother had recently died and her daughter was diagnosed with a chronic illness. There are seasons in life where sex is not going to be a priority and that is okay. Most women lose their libido when they are grieving. Postpartum can also be a challenging time sexually. I addressed sex after baby in this previous post. Sexual desire does wax and wane, you just don’t want to neglect it and let it wane away.
Pharmaceutical companies have been looking for the female version of Viagra for years. They have spent millions of dollars searching for a magic pill to help women in the bedroom, to no avail. Why? Because for women sexual desire is not so much about hormones and blood flow but about feeling loved and desired. If your libido could use some extra zest, please try these steps. If you continue to have issues please notify your provider.
{Special thanks to Brook Faught, Nurse Practioner at the Women’s institute of Sexual Health and Mary Margaret Johnson, LMFT for their help with this article.}
Do you have a favorite romantic book? How about a favorite romantic restaurant? What has been your biggest help in rekindling your sex drive?
Sheet Music by Kevin Leman is also a wonderful book!!! Help my husband and I both!
What a great topic for us moms. Thanks for all the great advice! The pastor who married us has put together a marriage inventory card that can be downloaded from his website at http://www.prayercounseling.net under the resources tab. We print one of those and take it along on our date night (about once a month) It just helps us keep the focus on our marriage and making sure we are loving and caring for each other outside of the bedroom which makes it a LOT easier to connect in the bedroom as well!
What a great resource!
I’m just gonna go ahead and break the ice here. This is great advice Heather. And I for one will admit I need it. Just the practical reminders of how to combat passivity {read: avoidance due to pure exhaustion} about intimacy. Thanks for starting this conversation!!i