“If you don’t come down from there and put your shoes on right now we will never come to McDonald’s again!” the mother yelled into the yellow tube in the McDonald’s Playland to her 4-year old.
As I watched her try to motivate her child to obey, I smiled. I think we’ve all come to the end of our rope and threatened something we honestly hoped we wouldn’t have to follow through with should our child choose to disobey.
But her threat worked. And the child obeyed.
Have you ever used fear to motivate your children? Perhaps threatening to leave the park if your child doesn’t stop throwing sand? Or threatening to not get ice cream if your child doesn’t stop whining?
When our sweet ones are born, I don’t think we ever imagine feeling the need to speak a threatening word to him or her – ever.
But as our children grow and explore and push boundaries, we are pushed, too. Pushed to find new ways to motivate obedience and good choices. We try the time out- and it works. And then we merely threaten the time out. And it works, too.
Fear is a powerful motivator. But when does using fear to persuade our children negatively affect our relationship with them?
In a synthesis of past research on fear as a persuasion strategy, Michigan State University scholars, Kim Witte and Mike Allen, concluded that fear appeals “may backfire if target audiences do not believe they are able to effectively avert a threat” (606).
While the research specifically concerns employees in the workplace, let’s apply their finding to parenting. This means, if our kids feel like they are powerless to accomplish what we are asking, they can become so afraid and anxious that they are unable to try at all.
So, if I told my son, “I want this entire room cleaned up in 3 minutes or we are not going skating tonight!,” I can imagine him completely losing it, dissolving into a puddle not picking up a single toy off the floor. He would be overwhelmed and would convince himself he couldn’t do it.
But even more than rendering him powerless is what my threat would stir in his heart. As a threat weighs heavy, our kids may begin to see us as the enemy of their success. And that’s the last thing we want. When our kids see us as their enemy, they may begin to have internal conversations like, “I hate her. She’s the meanest mom ever.”
As moms, we want our kids to feel that we are on their team, encouraging, cheering them on to growth and health. When we use unhealthy fear consistently as a motivator over time, we can undermine the trust they have placed in us to have their best interest at heart.
So how can we protect our relationships with our kids and avoid using fear as an unhealthy motivator?
- Keep it Positive. Like Newton’s Third Law of physics states, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Similarly, for every fear appeal there is an equal and opposite positive appeal. This means that instead of threatening my child we will leave the park if he or she doesn’t stop throwing sand, I could say, “If you stop throwing sand, we can come back to the park next week.” If your child is older, instead of threatening grounding for a week, try persuading with positive reinforcement – such as offering inviting a friend over for a sleepover if your child succeeds in accomplishing a task.
- Emphasize Natural Consequences. If you need to mention a negative consequence, consider what follows naturally from the undesired behavior or attitude. Natural consequences are those such as a child not being allowed to eat a sugary treat when hyper behavior is present. Sometimes we can be tempted to create and threaten unnatural or extreme consequences, perhaps because they make us feel more powerful. Yet, as Foster Cline and Jim Fay teach in Parenting with Love and Logic, unnatural consequences {like not going skating because of a messy room} turn the anger of children onto the person delivering the punishment, instead of onto their own behavior.
- Express Empathy. Whether communicating positive or negative potential results, let your child know you feel his or her fear or pain. Genuine empathy goes a long way in helping to establish trust in relationships because it communicates to your kids that they are not alone. Ask questions that allow them to express their specific fears, and listen to understand. Express how you might feel similar if you were in their shoes.
- Empower. If researchers such as Witte and Allen conclude that the most dangerous fear appeal is that which leaves others feeling helpless to avert your threat, empower your children by offering help and solutions to accomplish what you are requesting. This will communicate to them that you believe in their ability to succeed, that you are on their team, and that they are not alone.
Follow these four suggestions to help you avoid using fear as an unhealthy way to persuade your kids:
Keep it Positive, Emphasize Natural Consequences, Express Empathy and Empower
And if you don’t follow these suggestions, you will never get to go to the McDonald’s Playland again.
I know. You would be okay with that.
Do you struggle with using fear to motivate your children? What insights here seem as though they may be helpful to you?
Heidi Petak is a communication coach, helping people communicate bravely on stage and in their professional and personal relationships. While she is really a “doctor,” her 4 kids are quick to tell you she’s “not the kind of doctor who looks in your ears.” Heidi has a PhD in communication specializing in Theatre Arts Studies from Regent University, an M.A. in communication from the University of Arkansas, and a B.S. in Broadcasting from John Brown University.
In her past life, Heidi was a radio DJ. Since then, she has voiced hundreds of commercials and other projects and has been the voice of those phone systems that make you press “1” and then “star 3” and never let you talk to a real person. She is also a writer. Her book, The Faith to Free-Fall was written to encourage women anticipating a mastectomy. Heidi is married to Brian, the pastor of Outreach and Missional Living at Fellowship Bible Church in Brentwood, TN. They have four boys who challenge her communication skills daily with conversations about bodily functions. Learn more about Heidi on her website.
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