The Most Important Question You Can Ask Your Kids

I felt God nudging me as I listened to our youth pastor share the conversation he’d had with kids in our youth group. This guy really wants to know and understand our kids, I thought. Will I be able to know my children this well? I wondered. Will I have this level of open communication with them?

And then there it was. . .the question of all questions. The one point of prodding that might end all prodding. I knew the Lord was telling me this is the question to ask when all others fail to reveal the hidden chambers of a child’s heart.

What do you wish I knew about you?

I tried it on my almost 6 year old the other night. I’m sorry to say the conversation did not lead to much revelation. In fact, she was actually confused by it. But I imagine as I continue to ask it, and explain the depth of my interest in who she is and what makes her heart soar, she’ll get it. And I pray, she’ll engage in my attempts to understand her and know her.

Because although a 6 year old doesn’t leave too many cards unturned on the table of her life, a 10 year old might and a 16 year old definitely does. So if I begin asking the question now. . .if I make it a part of our normal interaction as mother and daughter, perhaps she’ll grow up feeling safe to share what lies beneath the surface of daily conversation.

This question may seem simple. . .an inquiry that will often be met with blank stares or rolled eyes. . .but what if it opens the door for our kids to share what they are otherwise afraid to admit to their seemingly judgmental parents?

They think we want to hear that school is fine. What if they were given permission to say, I actually hate it and I wish I didn’t have to go. . .

They think we want to hear that their friendships are good and thriving. What if they felt free to say, I feel so alone. . .

They think we want to hear that they know who they are and what they are about. What if they knew it was OK to admit, I have no idea who I am or what I want to be a part of. . .

They think we want to hear that they love God and are growing in faith. What if they knew we were ready to hear, I’m not sure what I believe because God doesn’t seem to show up in my life. . .

Maybe we don’t ask these types of questions because we can’t handle the answers. How was your day? and Did you pass your math test? are questions with good/bad and yes/no answers. They don’t take much thought in the asking or the responding. Such questions will only take our relationship with our children to a certain level. If we want to go deeper with our kids, we need to be willing to ask hard questions and receive answers that just might rock our world.

What do you wish I knew about you?

I wish you knew that I hate playing piano and would like to stop taking lessons.

I wish you knew I really don’t have any friends at school.

I wish you knew that I don’t like it when you pressure me to get straight A’s.

I wish you knew that I’m struggling to believe that God exists.

I wish you knew that I feel ready to get a job so I can start saving for a car.

I wish you knew that being a teenager is much harder now than it was when you were my age.

Giving our kids permission to reveal themselves does not put them in the driver’s seat. It simply allows us a glimpse inside their hearts and minds so together, we can discuss what’s next.

My incredible parents were far from perfect, but one of the many things they did well was creating an environment in which I felt I could say anything.

Anything.

They never acted like they knew simply because they were once my age. Much like I’ve already forgotten how hard it was to get up in the middle of the night with an infant, I’ve already lost touch with just how hard it is to be 15. . .not to mention how very different life is now than it was 22 years ago.

The only way to know. . .to truly know our kids is to give them permission to share themselves with us, no strings, no judgement. . .just openness, compassion and a willingness to get in the trenches of whatever it is with them and figure it out.

Despite our efforts to keep open lines of communication with our children, they still may hide things from us. But I don’t ever want their reason for hiding to be that they didn’t feel invited by me to share anything and everything going on in their lives. With this culture of communication in our home, along with lots of prayer, we just might make it through adolescence.

What important questions do you ask your children so they know it’s safe to share anything with you?

Join us every day this week for more encouragement to Love Your Kids Like Jesus including A 5 Step Plan to Becoming Slow to Anger, Four Questions to Ask Your Child Every Day and a review+giveaway of Exploring Grace Together: 40 Devotionals for the Family by Jessica Thompson {author of Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus}. Make sure you are subscribed to the blog so you don’t miss a post!
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