Maybe it’s your sister who’d give anything to see a positive pregnancy test or your best friend who is enduring the pain of another miscarriage. Maybe your coworker is staring down the barrel of another fertility treatment or perhaps it’s you trying to figure out why your first baby came so easily, but somehow #2 seems beyond your reach. Chances are, all of us have felt the stinging disappointment and the ache of an empty womb.
People’s fertile Facebook posts seem to fill your news feed, baby bumps are everywhere you turn and heaven help us all if it doesn’t make you want to whip your car into that “expectant mother’s” parking spot at Target just to spite them all. It’s such a lonely reoccurring struggle already, and then it is compounded by the fact that no one knows the right thing to say to soothe your chafing soul.
For my Joel and I there have been years filled with painful questions from well-meaning people. “Don’t ya’ll want to have children?” “Want to hold my baby? Maybe it’ll rub off on you!” And the ever-popular, well-meaning attempt at encouragement: “Well, now that you’ve adopted I just KNOW ya’ll will get pregnant.” Whomp, whomp.
During these years we’ve grieved in very different ways. Me, sometimes feeling like he wasn’t heartbroken enough and he, {bless him}, not knowing how to deal with an extremely hormonal woman. We’ve emotionally run the full gamut of anger, apathy, numbness, hope and despair. But it’s this path of barrenness {I hate that word} that God has used to draw our hearts closer to each other and more deeply into relationship with Himself.
Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone. Rick Warren
God’s character has had to become the North star for our journey through the darkness of infertility. His goodness and His sovereignty have hemmed us in behind and before. It’s all we’ve had to cling to when we can’t seem to make sense of our circumstances. He is good and He is in control, and somehow suffering IS God’s love for us. THIS, even this, is a gift from the loving hand of our trustworthy Father.
When we are frustrated with the waiting and the discomfort, it’s God’s unchanging nature that we can lean on knowing that there is NOTHING WASTED in His Kingdom. He is a God who uses everything. There is nothing wasted. No time, no waiting, no experience, no pain, no tears, no joy. Nothing is wasted. Nothing. He has a specific purpose for each day, week and month of this process.
Not only has His character become a great comfort to us, but you know when someone can totally relate to what you’re going through because you share the common bond of “me too”? Well, because Jesus came to earth and can sympathize with our every weakness, we share in a Divine “me too”. Sure, He wasn’t a female with a monthly cycle but ya’ll, He totally gets it. God has children He longs to have as His own. He can sympathize with us even in this and can relate to each and every emotion we experience! Praise the Lord. The Great I am is sufficient for our greatest need.
We are continually choosing to live in the tension of walking by faith {knowing God’s character of being all-powerful, sovereign, all-knowing, loving and good}, believing that He is capable of creating the universe thus plenty capable of forming a little life. Meanwhile, knowing that in His good and perfect plan {right now and maybe forever} having a baby is not His best for us.
We are still asking God to show us the bigger picture of who He is and what He’s doing. We are asking Him for peace, contentment and joy. And He really is delivering on His promise to fulfill our longings. Because HE is better than anything I could ask for here on earth. He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I don’t always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know. His plan for our family is a custom fit and I can rest and relax in His sovereign grace.
Do you know someone walking through the pain of infertility? I’d love to pray for them and share with them my favorite book
Kitty Hurdle
Kitty Hurdle spent the majority of her childhood scribbling stories into notebooks and reading them to anyone who would listen. By the time she graduated college with a journalism degree, God had captured her heart and transformed her life {PTL because it was a hot mess}, giving her a passion to minister to others. She, together with her husband, Joel, now serves as a missionary with CRU and spends her days in Oxford, MS raising two little ones, writing to anyone who will listen and sharing Christ with college students.
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I needed to read this today. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have struggled with infertility since day one. Please pray for us. Pray that if the Lord’s will is for us to not have children of our own, that he’ll open our hearts and change our desires. There are days where I feel such anger and I don’t want to be angry anymore.
Sincerely,
Emily
Thank you soooooo much for this post! I am too a woman who struggles with infertility. I have been standing in Gods truth for some
Time now, but this last family vacation with my husband has really sent me into baby fever. I know God is sovereign, I just have to get it out of my head and heart that if he is so sovereign why doesn’t he just give me what I want……my babies? Well anyways, prayer would be great! I know Jesus loves me and I am just desiring to stand on his word and live in contentment with God and my husband. Sometimes the impatience creeps up and is harmful for all involved. This post will become part of my weekly reading as I practice love and peace with God’s help. Thank you!
Janelle, praying for you today! Believing that God would protect your heart against those moments that tend to hurt. Praying he’ll give you eyes to see him only in those moments, to strengthen your trust as you wait on him. Praying for his will to be revealed for your family. Love and hugs!
Exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of today! Praise God for a plan that is always better than mine. But wow, how it hurts in the mean time not knowing what that plan will be. Thank you for pointing out that Jesus understands that pain. I had never thought of it that way and have felt so lonely during our struggle to get pregnant. Going to save this and read it daily!
Leslie, I loved how Kitty explained that Jesus understands our pain. So powerful. I’m praying for you today! Love and hugs!
Such a beautifully written and tender post, Kitty! Joining you in prayer for these precious women who’ve experienced this often silent sorrow of infertility.
This spoke volumes to my weary soul! Thank you for sharing!
My first sweet baby came easy so it came as a huge surprise that after 3 years of trying and numerous fertility treatments and heaps of $$$ later, we still didn’t have a second child. Then my husband left me. That meant that not only would I not have another child, but the one single child I did have would be taken from me part time. I’ve never hurt so much and can’t imagine a pain any deeper. 3 years later and it’s still painful but I’m seeing God work in my life through this and answer prayers, slowly, but surely. But oh, the pain… It still stings. I look forward to the day I can see the magical plan God is weaving through all of this.
Cristin, I am so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced. I am praying for you right now, that God would replace your weariness with hope. That you would feel his comforting love so strongly around you. He is a redeemer and I believe he will redeem your story, for your joy and his glory. When I walked through infertility and multiple losses, I always said, “God, I don’t understand your ways, but I trust your heart.” Praying you feel safe to trust his amazing love for you. Love and hugs to you!
Thank you so much for this article; it means a great deal to me. It’s so hard to see others getting the very thing you’ve longed for. I’m praying for God’s will to be done in my life, no matter what that looks like, because He will never let me down.
Elizabeth, Yes! He loves you so much and he won’t withhold his good gifts from you. Praying and believing that he will reveal his will and give you strength as you walk in it. Love and hugs!
I needed to read this article today more than ever. Please pray for me and my husband. My faith is shaken but trying to remain strong.
Jamie, praying for you girl. It’s amazing how the very thing that requires us to believe harder than we ever have is the same thing that drives us to unbelief. Praying for you today that faith would rise up in your heart and in your mind. When those two things are aligned in belief, you’ll be amazed at the peace that comes. Love and hugs!
This article is perfectly timed. I’m struggling on this path now. Please pray for me and my family.
Hi Jennifer, Jess here. Praying for you today. I now how hard each day can be. I’m praying for just enough strength to take the next step in hope and with joy. Love and hugs!!